/* Based on CBT 300 -- used in conjunction with Murphy -- REXX*/ /* at "The REXX Macros Toolbox" for additional sayings. */ /* Murphy STRIKES AGAIN. Spellings were corrected with the aid */ /* our version of SPELL. */ /*----------------------------------------------------------------- */ /* 'CBT' FILE429 -- MURPHYVM -- installed as MURPHY */ /* THIS IS A REXX EXEC BUT COULD BE CONVERTED TO A CLIST FOR TSO */ /* IF YOU DON'T HAVE A RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR UNDER TSO THEN */ /* CONSIDER USING SOME VARIATION OF THE TIME. */ /* Additions after #375 were based on CBT 300 which matched 1-374. */ /* Additions after #1228 were added subsequently, and all changes */ /* to mixed case and spelling corrections were made locally. */ /* CBT -- 300, 429, 472, and locally included material. */ /*----------------------------------------------------------------- */ /* ===> MURPHY ===> MURPHY 300:304 ===> MURPHY : */ /* ===> MURPHY ALL DCF */ MLMAX = 1308 ML = RANDOM(MLMAX) arg user DCF user=translate(user) if user = "" then do; fromx=ml; tox=ml; end; else if user = "ALL" then do; fromx=0; tox=mlmax; end else if pos(":",user) > 0 then do parse var user fromx ":" tox; if fromx = "" then fromx=ml; if tox = "" then tox = ml + 3 ml=fromx end else do; fromx=user; tox=user; end; if datatype(fromx,'N') = 0 |, if datatype(tox,'N') = 0 then do; x= 'Murphy''s Law arg' user, 'in error, must be blank, number or range' x=x||'<' mlmax ' anyway....'; say x; fromx=random(mlmax); tox=fromx; ml=fromx; end if ml > mlmax then do x= 'Murphy''s Law arg' ml 'in error, exceeds max of ' mlmax'. '; x=x||'Correct input arg and retry. (in MURPHY2)'; say x; exit end If fromx \= tox then do /* suggest ===> TSO TSOTRAP MURPHY02 ALL DCF*/ if "DCF" = translate(DCF) then do say '.* ===> SCRIPTPS dev(PSA90) PU FP(1)' say '.pm .7i;.ll 9.8i;.cl 3.0i' say '.cd 3 0 3.3i 6.6i;.fo left' say '.df type7 type(7);.bf type7 =;' say '.su off;.dc gml off;.dc cont off;.tp 0' say '.$id' say '.* indent lines by one, and insert &$TAB. char, or use...' say '.fo off fold;.li on' say date('u') time() 'Murphy';say ' ';say ' ' end do ml = fromx to tox; say center('-- '||ML||' --',60) MLS = "ML"||ML INTERPRET "CALL" MLS end if "DCF" = translate(DCF) then do say date('u') time() 'Murphy';say ' ';say ' '; say '.li off' say '.pf;.su on;.lastpage;.pa odd' end EXIT end /* Normal single use or blank entry comes here*/ say center('-- '||ML||' in Murphy --',60) MLS = "ML"||fromx INTERPRET "CALL" MLS exit ML0: say 'When things are going well, someone will inevitably.' say 'experiment detrimentally.' return ML1: say 'If not controlled, work will flow to the competent' say 'man until he submerges.' return ML2: say 'A deficiency will never show itself during the test runs.' return ML3: say 'The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found' say 'in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.' return ML4: say 'It is impossible to build a fool proof system;' say 'because fools are so ingenious.' return ML5: say 'Talent in staff work or sales will continually be' say 'interpreted as managerial ability.' return ML6: say 'Information travels more surely to those with a' say 'lesser need to know.' return ML7: say 'The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his' say 'subordinate''s premonitions only during the postmortems.' return ML8: say 'An original idea can never emerge from committee' say 'in its original form.' return ML9: say 'No good deed goes unpunished.' return ML10: say 'When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system' say 'will perform perfectly.' return ML11: say 'Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce' say 'multiple interpretations.' return ML12: say 'The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by' say 'the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file.' return ML13: say 'On successive charts of the same organization the number of' say 'boxes will never decrease.' return ML14: say 'It is ok to be ignorant in some areas,' say 'but some people abuse the privilege.' return ML15: say 'Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment' say 'to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.' return ML16: say 'Success can be insured only by devising a defense against' say 'failure of the contingency plan.' return ML17: say 'Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.' return ML18: say 'Performance is directly affected by the perversity of' say 'inanimate objects.' return ML19: say 'Leakproof seals --- Will.' return ML20: say 'Never offend people with style' say 'when you can offend them with substance.' return ML21: say 'Our customers paperwork is profit' say 'our own paperwork is loss.' return ML22: say 'At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.' return ML23: say 'As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.' return ML24: say 'This space for rent' say ' ...' say ' ...' return ML25: say 'The more directives you issue to solve a problem,' say 'the worse it gets.' return ML26: say 'Cop-out Number 1:' say ' You should have seen it when I got it.' return ML27: say 'When you''re up to your ass in alligators, it is' say 'difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary' say 'objective was to drain the swamp.' return ML28: say 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' say 'and littered with sloppy analyses!' return ML29: say 'Self starters --- Won''t.' return ML30: say 'If the assumptions are wrong,' say 'the conclusions aren''t likely to be very good.' return ML31: say 'The organization of any program reflects the organization' say 'of the people who developed it.' return ML32: say 'There is no such thing as a "Dirty Capitalist",' say 'only a capitalist.' return ML33: say 'Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.' return ML34: say 'The meek will inherit the earth' say 'after the rest of us go to the stars.' return ML35: say 'Capitalism can exist in one of only two states:' say ' Welfare or warfare.' return ML36: say 'History proves nothing.' return ML37: say 'A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much' say 'technological rococo.' return ML38: say 'A little humility is arrogance.' return ML39: say 'Interchangeable parts --- Won''t.' return ML40: say 'Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of' say 'faults is proportional to the number of viewers.' return ML41: say 'All American cars are basically Chevrolets.' return ML42: say 'A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not' say 'take place.' return ML43: say 'No experiment is ever a complete failure.' say 'it can always be used as a bad example.' return ML44: say 'Despite the sign that says "wet paint",' say 'please don''t' return ML45: say 'Everything tastes more or less like chicken.' return ML46: say 'People don''t change; they only become more so.' return ML47: say 'I finally got it all together...' say 'but I forgot where I put it.' return ML48: say 'If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is' say 'because of something left out, rather than added.' return ML49: say 'There is always one more bug.' return ML50: say 'The big guys always win.' return ML51: say 'Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.' return ML52: say 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is' say 'indistinguishable from magic.' return ML53: say 'It''s always darkest just before the lights go out.' return ML54: say 'It is better to be part of the idle rich class' say 'than be part of the idle poor class.' return ML55: say 'Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.' return ML56: say 'For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.' return ML57: say 'If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough' say 'chances are someone else will do it for you.' return ML58: say 'Everybody''s gotta be someplace.' return ML59: say 'Nature is a mother.' return ML60: say 'If you''ve got them by the balls,' say 'their hearts and minds will follow.' return ML61: say 'People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell' say 'them Benjamin Franklin said it first.' return ML62: say 'If at first you don''t succeed, transform your dataset.' return ML63: say 'Any given program, when running, is obsolete.' return ML64: say 'Any given program cost more and take longer.' return ML65: say 'If a program is useful, it will be changed.' return ML66: say 'If a program is useless, it will be documented.' return ML67: say 'Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.' return ML68: say 'The value of a program is proportional' say 'to the weight of its output.' return ML69: say 'Don''t mess with Mrs. Murphy!' return ML70: say 'Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability' say 'of the programmer who must maintain it.' return ML71: say 'Make it possible for programmers to write programs' say 'in English and you will find that programmers cannot' say 'write in English.' return ML72: say 'When more and more people are thrown out of work' say 'unemployment results.' return ML73: say 'If you can''t measure it, I''m not interested.' return ML74: say 'The best way to lie is to tell the truth.....' say 'carefully edited truth.' return ML75: say 'There are three ways to get things done' say 'do it yourself' say 'hire someone to do it or' say 'forbid your kids to do it.' return ML76: say 'I think ... Therefore I am confused' return ML77: say 'A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.' return ML78: say 'History repeats itself.' say 'that''s one of the things wrong with history.' return ML79: say '90% of everything is crud.' return ML80: say 'Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.' return ML81: say 'Those with the best advice offer no advice.' return ML82: say 'Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.' return ML83: say 'Democracy is that form of government where' say 'everybody gets what the majority deserves.' return ML84: say 'If you''re worried about being crazy,' say 'don''t be overly concerned:' say 'If you were, you would think you were sane.' return ML85: say 'Pills to be taken in twos always come' say 'out of the bottle in threes.' return ML86: say 'Flynn is dead' say 'Tron is dead' say 'long live the MCP.' return ML87: say 'Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today!' return ML88: say 'Real programmers don''t number paragraph names' say 'consecutively.' return ML89: say 'If you''re feeling good, don''t worry,' say 'you''ll get over it.' return ML90: say 'Real programmers don''t grumble about the disadvantages' say 'of COBOL when they don''t know any other language.' return ML91: say 'Definition of an elephant:' say ' A mouse built to government specifications.' return ML92: say 'Real programmers are kind to rookies.' return ML93: say 'Real programmers don''t notch their desks for each' say 'completed service request.' return ML94: say 'You don''t have to be crazy to work here' say 'but it sure helps!!!!!!!' return ML95: say 'Real programmers don''t announce how many times the' say 'operations department called them last night.' return ML96: say 'A day without sunshine ....' say 'is like ... Night!' return ML97: say 'Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code,' say 'which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.' return ML98: say 'Real programmers don''t play video games, they write them.' return ML99: say 'Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.' return ML100: say 'Real programmers understand Pascal.' return ML101: say 'Real programmers know it''s not operations' say 'fault if their jobs go into "hogs."' return ML102: say 'Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the' say 'vending machines.' return ML103: say 'Real programmers punch up their own programs.' return ML104: say 'When life hands you a lemon' say 'make lemonade.' return ML105: say 'Real programmers have read the standards manual' say 'but won''t admit it.' return ML106: say 'Real programmers don''t advertise their hangovers.' return ML107: say 'Real programmers don''t dress for success unless' say 'they are trying to convince others that they are' say 'going on interviews.' return ML108: say 'Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before' say 'walkthroughs.' return ML109: say 'All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.' return ML110: say 'Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a' say 'matter of principle.' return ML111: say 'The final test is when it goes production ...' say 'W H E N I T G O E S P R O D U C T I O N ...' say 'W H E N I T G O E S P R O D U C T' say 'W H E N I T G O E S P R O' return ML112: say 'Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will' say 'always seem tense and overworked.' return ML113: say 'Real programmers always have a better idea.' return ML114: say 'Anyone who follows a crowd will' say 'never be followed by a crowd.' return ML115: say 'Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and' say 'binary math in their heads.' return ML116: say 'Real programmers don''t write memos.' return ML117: say 'Real programmers know what saad means.' return ML118: say 'Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated' say 'decibel level.' return ML119: say 'Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.' return ML120: say 'Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP' say 'situations.' return ML121: say 'I no longer get lost in the shuffle....' say 'I shuffle along with the lost.' return ML122: say 'Real programmers do not read books like' say '"Effective Listening" and "Communication Skills".' return ML123: say 'Real programmers print only clean compiles,' say 'fixing all errors through the terminal.' return ML124: say 'The early worm deserves the bird.' return ML125: say 'Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!!' return ML126: say 'All good things must come to an end.' say 'I want to know when they start!' return ML127: say 'A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell' say 'in such a way that you look forward to the trip.' return ML128: say 'Blessed are those who go around in circles,' say 'for they shall be known as wheels.' return ML129: say 'Never eat prunes when you are famished.' return ML130: say 'Keep emotionally active,' say 'cater to your favorite neurosis.' return ML131: say 'A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible.' return ML132: say 'RACF is a four letter word.' return ML133: say 'You may be recognized soon.' say 'Hide!' say 'If they find you, lie.' return ML134: say 'You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill.' say 'How hard?' say 'Hard enough to make water run uphill.' return ML135: say 'Avoid reality at all costs.' return ML136: say 'Program design philosophy:' say 'Start at the beginning and continue until the end,' say 'then stop. (Lewis Carroll)' return ML137: say 'A closed mouth gathers no foot.' return ML138: say 'Only a mediocre person is always at their best.' return ML139: say 'Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.' return ML140: say 'In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,' say 'the greater the confusion.' return ML141: say 'The first time is for love' say 'the next time is $200.' return ML142: say 'Of two possible events,' say 'only the undesired one will occur.' return ML143: say 'The faster the plane,' say 'the narrower the seats.' return ML144: say 'If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.' return ML145: say 'If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that' say 'something will go wrong,' say 'it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.' return ML146: say 'A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.' return ML147: say 'The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to' say 'save all of the parts.' return ML148: say '1) Things will get worse before they get better' say '2) Who said things would get better?' return ML149: say 'If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.' return ML150: say 'There is a solution to every problem;' say 'the only difficulty is finding it.' return ML151: say 'Don''t make your doctor your heir.' return ML152: say 'Don''t ask the barber if you need a haircut.' return ML153: say 'If there isn''t a law, there will be.' return ML154: say 'If you don''t like the answer,' say 'you shouldn''t have asked the question.' return ML155: say 'Do not believe in miracles -- Rely on them.' return ML156: say 'You can''t expect to hit the jackpot' say 'if you don''t put a few nickels in the machine.' return ML157: say 'Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man' say 'in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially' say 'not symbolically.' return ML158: say 'Freud''s 23rd Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse' say 'proportion to their soundness and validity.' return ML159: say 'A short cut is the longest distance between two points.' return ML160: say 'If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.' return ML161: say 'If you know, you can''t say.' return ML162: say 'The meek shall inherit the earth,' say 'but not its mineral rights.' return ML163: say '1) You can''t win' say '2) You can''t break even' say '3) You can''t even quit the game.' return ML164: say 'When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.' return ML165: say 'Common sense is not so common.' return ML166: say 'If we learn by our mistakes,' say 'I''m getting one hell of an education!!' return ML167: say 'Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the' say 'embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.' return ML168: say 'Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation' say 'for being useful.' return ML169: say 'You will always find something in the last place you look.' return ML170: say 'The probability of anything happening is in' say 'inverse ratio to its desirability.' return ML171: say 'The first myth of management is that it exists' say 'the second myth of management is that success equals skill.' return ML172: say 'If it''s good they will stop making it.' return ML173: say 'Inside every large program' say 'is a small program struggling to get out.' return ML174: say 'A memorandum is written not to inform the reader' say 'but to protect the writer.' return ML175: say 'Never insult an alligator' say 'until after you have crossed the river.' return ML176: say 'Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.' return ML177: say 'When your opponent is down, kick him.' return ML178: say 'The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of' say 'someone he can blame it on.' return ML179: say 'The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side' say 'down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.' return ML180: say 'In the fight between you and the world, back the world.' return ML181: say 'Last guys don''t finish nice.' return ML182: say 'Never admit anything.' say 'never regret anything' say 'whatever it is, you''re not responsible.' return ML183: say 'If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.' return ML184: say 'When working toward the solution of a problem,' say 'it always helps if you know the answer.' say 'provided of course you know there is a problem.' return ML185: say 'The usefulness of any meeting' say 'is in inverse proportion to the attendance.' return ML186: say 'The sun goes down just when you need it the most.' return ML187: say 'Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary' say 'drivel off the TV screen.' return ML188: say 'Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest' say 'number must happen.' return ML189: say 'No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after' say 'you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.' return ML190: say 'Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.' return ML191: say 'A disagreeable task is its own reward.' return ML192: say 'If things were left to chance, they''d be better.' return ML193: say 'The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk' say 'to the other end of the building.' return ML194: say 'Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.' return ML195: say 'A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready,' say 'willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.' return ML196: say 'If a thing is done wrong often enough' say 'it becomes right.' return ML197: say 'People will buy anything that is one to a customer.' return ML198: say 'If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always' say 'manage to boot yourself in the posterior.' return ML199: say 'No one''s life, liberty, or property are safe' say 'while the legislature is in session.' return ML200: say 'Never say "Oops" after you have submitted a job.' return ML201: say 'Bad news drives good news out of the media.' return ML202: say 'Just when you get really good at something,' say 'you don''t need to do it anymore.' return ML203: /* expanded version */ say 'Maier''s Law - If facts do not conform to the theory,' say 'they must be disposed of. Corollaries: ' say '1. The bigger the theory, the better.' say '2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more' say ' then 50% of the observed measurements must be' say ' discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory.' ML204: say 'Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.' return ML205: say 'When properly administered, vacations do not diminish' say 'productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing' say 'done, there is another week when your boss is away and you' say 'get twice as much done.' return ML206: say 'No matter what happens, there is always somebody' say 'who knew that it would.' return ML207: say 'The other line always moves faster.' return ML208: say 'Never eat at a place called Mom''s,' say 'never play cards with a man named doc,' say 'and never lie down with a woman who''s got more troubles than you.' return ML209: say 'In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don''t need it.' return ML210: say 'When all else fails, read the instructions.' return ML211: say 'Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than' say 'you thought.' return ML212: say 'Close counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and' say 'thermonuclear devices.' return ML213: say 'The lion and the calf shall lie down together,' say 'but the calf won''t get much sleep.' return ML214: say 'If you fool around with a thing for very long', 'you will screw it up.' return ML215: say 'It is better for civilization to be going down the drain,' say 'than to be coming up it.' return ML216: say 'A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10› fuse by blowing first.' return ML217: say 'Justice always prevails...' say 'three times out of seven.' return ML218: say 'If it jams --- Force it. If it breaks,' say 'it needed replacing anyway.' return ML219: say 'I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,' say 'when you looked at it in the right way, did not become' say 'still more complicated. Poul Anderson' Return ML220: say 'Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath' say 'to the exact center.' return ML221: say 'No matter which direction you start,' say 'it''s always against the wind coming back.' return ML222: say 'The repairman will never have seen a model quite like' say 'yours before.' return ML223: say 'Don''t force it,' say 'get a bigger hammer.' return ML224: say 'When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,' say 'it will work perfectly.' return ML225: say 'Pity the poor egg;' say 'it only gets laid once in its life.' return ML226: say 'An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage.' say 'a pessimist is a married optimist!' return ML227: say 'A pessimist is an optimist with experience.' return ML228: say 'Old programmers never die - they just abend.' return ML229: say 'The success of any venture will be helped by prayer,' say 'even in the wrong denomination.' return ML230: say 'Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet' say 'somebody moves the ends!' return ML231: say 'Just because you are paranoid' say 'doesn''t mean "they" aren''t out to get you.' return ML232: say 'An Irishman is not drunk as long as' say 'he can hang onto a single blade of grass' say 'and not fall off the face of the earth.' return ML233: say 'If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.' return ML234: say 'Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink,' say 'some prefer to just gargle.' return ML235: say 'Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones.' say '(including the snakes that he did not want to find.)' return ML236: say 'Everybody should believe in something;' say 'I believe I''ll have another drink.' return ML237: say 'Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.' return ML238: say 'Build a system that even a fool can use,' say 'and only a fool will use it.' return ML239: say 'You can lead a horticulture, but you can''t make her think .' return ML240: say 'Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.' return ML241: say 'It''s always the wrong time of the month.' return ML242: say 'In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level' say 'of incompetence, and then remains there.' return ML243: say 'It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick' say 'up something from the floor while you get up.' return ML244: say 'You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash' say 'when the garbage truck is two doors away.' return ML245: say 'Misery no longer loves company' say 'nowadays it insists on it.' return ML246: say 'The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the' say 'strong, but that''s the way to bet.' return ML247: say 'Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.' return ML248: say 'There''s never time to do it right, but there''s always' say 'time to do it over.' return ML249: say 'On a beautiful day like this it''s hard to believe anyone' say 'can be unhappy -- But we will work on it.' return ML250: say 'When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.' return ML251: say 'The more ridiculous a belief system,' say 'the higher probability of its success.' return ML252: say 'Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.' return ML253: say 'Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.' return ML254: say 'It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.' return ML255: say 'When you''re up to your nose .......,' say 'be sure to keep your mouth shut.' return ML256: say 'One''s life tends to be like a beaver''s,' say 'one dam thing after another.' return ML257: say 'A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.' return ML258: say 'The ratio of time involved in work to time available for' say 'work is usually about 0.6' return ML259: say 'Remember the golden rule:' say ' Those that have the gold make the rules.' return ML260: say 'Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and' say 'knows it for he shall enjoy living.' return ML261: say 'Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually' say 'plunge into the Atlantic ocean.' return ML262: say 'I finally got it all together.....' say 'but I forgot where I put it.' return ML263: say 'Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.' return ML264: say 'Blessed is he who expects no gratitude,' say 'for he shall not be disappointed.' return ML265: say 'The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of' say 'an oncoming train.' return ML266: say 'Celibacy is not hereditary.' return ML267: say 'You can observe a lot just by watching.' return ML268: say 'If it can be borrowed and it can be broken,' say 'you will borrow it and' say 'you will break it.' return ML269: say 'Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.' return ML270: say 'Live within your income,' say 'even if you have to borrow to do so.' return ML271: say 'Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.' return ML272: say 'Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.' return ML273: say 'To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.' return ML274: say 'An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.' return ML275: say 'Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.' return ML276: say 'A bird in the hand is dead.' return ML277: say 'A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.' return ML278: say 'Never put all your eggs in your pocket.' return ML279: say 'If everything seems to be going well,' say 'you obviously don''t know what the hell is going on.' return ML280: say 'If at first you don''t succeed,' say 'blame it on your supervisor.' return ML281: say 'If more than one person is responsible for a' say 'miscalculation, no one will be at fault.' return ML282: say 'Don''t bite the hand that has your pay check in it.' return ML283: say 'In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.' return ML284: say 'When in doubt, mumble.' say 'When in trouble, delegate.' say 'When in charge, ponder.' return ML285: say 'Please don''t steal, the IRS hates competition!' return ML286: say 'Never argue with a fool,' say 'people might not know the difference.' return ML287: say 'You can''t guard against the arbitrary.' return ML288: say 'People can be divided into three groups:' say ' Those who make things happen,' say ' Those who watch things happen and' say ' Those who wonder what happened.' return ML289: say 'I no longer get lost in the shuffle,' say 'I shuffle along with the lost.' return ML290: say 'The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.' return ML291: say 'You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.' return ML292: say 'In any household, junk accumulates to the space' say 'available for its storage.' return ML293: say 'Don''t stop to stomp on ants' say 'when the elephants are stampeding.' return ML294: say 'The longer the title the less important the job.' return ML295: say 'Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion' say 'if it did occur, will occur.' return ML296: say 'When you are right be logical,' say 'when you are wrong be-fuddle.' return ML297: say 'For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution --' say 'and it is always wrong.' return ML298: say 'There are no winners in life: Only survivors.' return ML299: say 'When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.' return ML300: say 'The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest', 'is the yoo-hoo you get back.' return ML301: say 'You can''t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.' return ML302: say 'The idea is to die young as late as possible.' return ML303: say 'No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.' return ML304: say 'It''s better to retire too soon than too late.' return ML305: say 'A man should be greater than some of his parts.' return ML306: say 'If you don''t say it, they can''t repeat it.' return ML307: say 'Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.' return ML308: say 'Everything takes longer than you expect.' return ML309: say 'Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.' return ML310: say 'If you see that there are four possible ways in which a' say 'procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a' say 'fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.' return ML311: say 'Things get worse under pressure.' return ML312: say 'Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional' say 'and employ faulty reasoning.' return ML313: say 'A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.' return ML314: say 'Progress is made on alternate fridays.' return ML315: say 'The first 80 percent of the task takes 20 percent of the time,' say 'the last 20 percent takes the other 80 percent.' /* appears changed from an earlier version 80/90 20/10 */ return ML316: say 'If two wrongs don''t make a right, try three.' return ML317: say 'Don''t look back, something may be gaining on you.' return ML318: say 'All things being equal, all things are never equal.' return ML319: say 'Even paranoids have enemies.' return ML320: say 'Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.' return ML321: say 'Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet' say 'reached their level of incompetence.' return ML322: say 'If at first you don''t succeed, try something else.' return ML323: say 'If you''re coasting, you''re going downhill.' return ML324: say 'Never tell them what you wouldn''t do.' return ML325: say 'The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely' say 'proportional to the subject''s true value.' return ML326: say 'Indifference is the only sure defense.' return ML327: say 'Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.' return ML328: say 'Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.' return ML329: say 'If you want to get along, go along.' return ML330: say 'Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.' return ML331: say 'The easiest way to find something lost around the house' say 'is to buy a replacement.' return ML332: say 'Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always' say 'point upward from the floor -- Especially in the dark.' return ML333: say 'Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will' say 'establish yourself as an expert.' return ML334: say 'It works better if you plug it in.' return ML335: say 'Quit while your still behind.' return ML336: say 'If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time,' say 'you better wear work shoes.' return ML337: say 'It''s always easier to go down hill,', ' but the best view is from the top.' return ML338: say 'Any line, however short, is still too long.' return ML339: say 'Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.' return ML340: say 'If you can''t measure output then you measure input.' return ML341: say 'Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate' say 'additional assumptions.' /* earlier version used story */ return ML342: say 'Old Scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be' say 'right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.' return ML343: say 'Never be first to do anything.' return ML344: say 'The chief cause of problems is solutions.' return ML345: say 'The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.' return ML346: say 'A little ignorance can go a long way.' return ML347: say 'Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.' return ML348: say 'Entropy has us outnumbered.' return ML349: say 'Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.' return ML350: say 'Do whatever your enemies don''t want you to do.' return ML351: say 'A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.' return ML352: say 'Don''t permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.' return ML353: say 'Go where the money is.' return ML354: say 'Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the' say 'water that keeps it green.' return ML355: say 'A stagnant science is at a standstill.' return ML356: say 'Half of being smart is knowing what you''re dumb at.' return ML357: say 'For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.' return ML358: say 'Cant produces countercant.' return ML359: say 'If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent' say 'of doing you good, you should run for your life.' return ML360: say 'When you are sure you''re right, you have a moral duty' say 'to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.' return ML361: say 'If you can''t convince them, confuse them.' return ML362: say 'Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.' return ML363: say 'All general statements are false. (Think about it)' return ML364: say 'If it happens, it must be possible.' return ML365: say 'Them what gets--has.' return ML366: say 'If you are already in a hole, there''s no use to continue digging.' return ML367: say 'If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,' say 'then the first woodpecker that came along', 'would destroy civilization.' return ML368: say 'People will believe anything if you whisper it.' return ML369: say 'A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.' return ML370: say 'Never leave hold of what you''ve got until you''ve got hold' say 'of something else.' return ML371: say 'A theory is better than its explanation.' return ML372: say 'Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing' say 'worse will happen to you the rest of the day.' return ML373: say 'Nobody notices when things go right.' return ML374: say 'There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.' return ML375: say 'Roses are red violets are blue' say 'I am schizophrenic and so am I.' return ML376: say 'If anything can go wrong, it will.' return ML377: say 'If anything can go wrong, it will.' say 'If anything can''t go wrong it will.' return ML378: say 'If Murphy''s Law can go wrong, it will.' return ML379: say 'If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in' say 'in the worst possible sequence.' return ML380: say 'After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle' say 'will repeat itself.' return ML381: say 'An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over,' say 'and attacks the wounded.' return ML382: say 'Nothing is ever so bad that it can''t get worse.' return ML383: say 'No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody' say 'who knew it would.' return ML384: say 'Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.' return ML385: say 'The hidden flaw never remains hidden.' return ML386: say '1. Everything depends' say '2. Nothing is always' say '3. Everything is sometimes' return ML387: say 'If you wait, it will go away' say '....having done it''s damage' say 'it it was bad, it''ll be back.' return ML388: say 'Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand' say 'wrong answers.' return ML389: say 'Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune' say 'moment.' return ML390: say 'When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the' say 'world''s composed of aluminum and vinyl.' return ML391: say 'In order for something to become clean, something' say 'else must become dirty.' say '...but you can get everything dirty without getting' say 'anything clean.' Return ML392: say 'Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.' return ML393: say 'The first place to look for anything is the last place' say 'you would expect to find it.' return ML394: say 'You can always find what you''re not looking for.' return ML395: say 'If you don''t care where you are, you ain''t lost.' return ML396: say 'It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly' say 'suprised.' return ML397: say 'A crisis is when you can''t say "let''s forget the' say 'whole thing".' return ML398: say 'Washing your car to make it rain doesn''t work.' return ML399: say 'When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.' return ML400: say 'The time it takes to rectify a situation is' say 'inversely proportional to the time it took' say 'to do the damage.' return ML401: say 'An optimist believes we live in the best of all' say 'possible worlds.' say 'a pessimist fears this is true.' Return ML402: say 'You can make it foolproof, but you can''t make it' say 'damnfoolproof.' Return ML403: say 'It takes longer to glue a vase together than to' say 'break one.' return ML404: say 'It takes longer to lose ''x'' number of pounds than' say 'to gain ''x'' number of pounds.' return ML405: say 'The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in' say 'will be taken by the person in front of you.' return ML406: say 'The other line moves faster.' return ML407: say 'If you change lines, the one you just left will start' say 'to move faster than the one you are now in.' return ML408: say 'The longer you wait in line, the greater the' say 'likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.' return ML409: say 'The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out' say 'lane.' return ML410: say 'Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a' say 'need for them an hour later.' return ML411: say '1.if the weather is extremely bad, church attendance' say ' will be down' say '2.if the weather is extremely good, church attendance' say ' will be down' say '3.if the bulletin covers are in short supply church' say ' attendance will exceed all expectations.' return ML412: say 'If a situation requires undivided attention, it will' say 'occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.' return ML413: say 'The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the' say 'greater the number of dead and injured required for it' say 'to become a story.' return ML414: say 'The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the' say 'more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of' say 'the situation.' return ML415: say 'The further you are from the facts of a situation,' say 'the more you tend to believe news coverage of the' say 'situation.' return ML416: say 'The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal' say 'the letter.' return ML417: say 'The most interesting specimen will not be labeled.' return ML418: say 'Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book' say 'is in print.' return ML419: say 'The first page the author turns to upon receiving an' say 'advance copy will be the page containing the worst' say 'error.' return ML420: say '1. Never draw what you can copy' say '2. Never copy what you can trace' say '3. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down' return ML421: say 'The best shots happen immediately after the last' say 'frame is exposed.' return ML422: say 'The best shots are generally attempted through the' say 'lens cap.' return ML423: say 'Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone' say 'inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the' say 'dark leaks out.' return ML424: say 'If a three-story building served by one elevator nine' say 'times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor' say 'where you are not.' return ML425: say 'The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbecue,' say 'campfire, etc. To drift into a person''s face varies' say 'directly with that person''s sensitivity to smoke.' return ML426: say 'The distance to the gate is inversely proportional' say 'to the time available to catch you flight.' return ML427: say 'As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the' say 'airliner encounters turbulence.' return ML428: say 'Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.' return ML429: say 'Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will' say 'come in on another one.' return ML430: say 'When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves' say 'markedly the day after one has purchased foreign' say 'currency.' return ML431: say 'Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as' say 'soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.' return ML432: say 'The bigger they are, the harder they hit.' return ML433: say 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite' say 'criticism.' return ML434: say 'Authorization for a project will be granted only when' say 'none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project' say 'fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit' say 'if it succeeds.' return ML435: say 'If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be' say 'implemented, it wasn''t worth doing.' return ML436: say 'The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,' say 'the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - Even' say 'if it subsequently becomes irrelevant.' return ML437: say 'The higher the level of prestige accorded the people' say 'behind the plan. The least less chance there is of' say 'abandoning it.' return ML438: say 'In any organization there will always be one person' say 'who knows what is going on.' say 'this person must be fired.' Return ML439: say 'It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.' return ML440: say 'Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed' say 'talent.' Return ML441: say 'Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over' say 'experience.' return ML442: say 'Some people manage by the book, even though they' say 'don''t know who wrote the book or even what book.' return ML443: say 'Don''t let your superiors know you''re better than' say 'they are.' return ML444: say 'You never know who''s right, but you always know' say 'who''s in charge.' return ML445: say '1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts' say '2. a Good manager can make a decision without enough' say ' facts' say '3. a Perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance' return ML446: say 'The boss who attempts to impress employees with his' say 'knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his' say 'final objective.' return ML447: say 'You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you' say 'don''t burn your bridges until you come to them.' return ML448: say 'In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies' say 'inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty' say 'of the task.' return ML449: say 'The client who pays the least complains the most.' return ML450: say 'A lack of planning on your part' say 'does not constitute an emergency on my part.' return ML451: say 'I know you believe you understand' say ' what you think I said,' say ' however, I am not sure you realize,' say ' that what I think you heard' say ' is not what I meant.' return ML452: say 'Real programmers don''t eat muffins.' return ML453: say 'In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend' say 'more and more time reporting on the less and less you' say 'are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of' say 'your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.' return ML454: say 'Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for' say 'a number and then give it back to them.' return ML455: say 'When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it' say 'around instead of picking it up.' return ML456: say 'The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely' say 'proportional to the number of other people who are in' say 'a position to do it instead.' return ML457: say 'Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.' return ML458: say 'No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made' say 'but didn''t. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones' return ML459: say 'For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.' return ML460: say 'The inside contact that you have developed at great' say 'expense is the first person to be let go in any' say 'reorganization.' return ML461: say 'It''s tough to get reallocated when you''re the one' say 'who''s redundant.' return ML462: say 'Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.' return ML463: say 'If you''re early, it''be cancelled' say 'if you knock yourself out to be on time, you will' say ' have to wait' say 'if you''re late, you will be too late.' return ML464: say 'A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept' say 'and the hours are lost.' return ML465: say 'If you leave the room, you''re elected.' return ML466: say 'The cream rises to the top.' say 'so does the scum.' Return ML467: say 'You can never do just one thing.' Return ML468: say 'There''s no time like the present for postponing' say 'what you don''t want to do.' return ML469: say 'Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.' Return ML470: say 'The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the' say 'greater the chance of failure.' return ML471: say 'Simple jobs always get put off because there will be' say 'time to do them later.' return ML472: say 'Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.' return ML473: say 'A work project expands to fill the space available.' return ML474: say 'No matter how large the work space, if two project' say 'must be done at the same time they will require the' say 'same part of the work space.' return ML475: say 'The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one' say 'missing from the tool chest.' return ML476: say 'Most projects require three hands.' return ML477: say 'Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.' return ML478: say 'The more carefully you plan a project, the more' say 'confusion there is when something goes wrong.' return ML479: say 'Murphy''s rule for precision :' say ' Measure with a micrometer' say ' Mark with chalk' say ' Cut with an axe.' return ML480: say 'You can''t fix it if it ain''t broke.' return ML481: say 'First rule of intelligent tinkering:' say ' Save all the parts.' return ML482: say 'Access holes will be 1/2" Too small' say 'holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.' return ML483: say 'If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company' say 'will insist upon repairing the old one.' return ML484: say 'If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the' say 'company will insist on the latest model.' return ML485: say 'The primary function of the design engineer is to make' say 'things difficult for the fabricator and impossible' say 'for the serviceman.' return ML486: say 'That component of any circuit which has the shortest' say 'service life will be placed in the least' say 'accessible location.' return ML487: say 'Any circuit design must contain at least one part which' say 'is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three' say 'parts which at still under development.' return ML488: say 'Important letters which contain no errors will develop' say 'errors in the mail.' return ML489: say 'Office machines which function perfectly during normal' say 'business hours will break down when you return to the' say 'office at night to use them for personal business.' Return ML490: say 'Machines that have broken down will work perfectly' say 'when the repairman arrives.' return ML491: say 'Envelopes and stamps which don''t stick when you lick' say 'them will stick to other things when you don''t want' say 'them to.' return ML492: say 'Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by' say 'spontaneously moving from where you left them to where' say 'you can''t find them.' return ML493: say 'The last person who quit or was fired will be held' say 'responsible for everything that goes wrong -- Until' say 'the next person quits or is fired.' Return ML494: say 'If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you' say 'don''t want his the paper.' return ML495: say 'The one time in the day that you lean back and relax' say 'is the one time the boss walks through the office.' return ML496: say 'Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.' return ML497: say 'When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly.' return ML498: say 'Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame' say 'someone else.' return ML499: say 'Science is true. Don''t be misled by facts' return ML500: say '1. If it''s green or it wiggles, it''s biology' say '2. If it stinks, it''s chemistry' say '3. If it doesn''t work, it''s physics' return ML501: say 'Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls' ML502: say 'The quality of correlation is inversely proportional' say 'to the density of control.' return ML503: say 'If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the' say 'test only once.' return ML504: say 'If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two' say 'data points.' return ML505: say 'Any technical problem can be overcome given enough' say 'time and money.' return ML506: say 'You are never given enough time or money.' return ML507: say 'Unless the results are known in advance, funding' say 'agencies will reject the proposal.' return ML508: say 'It is better to solve a problem with a crude' say 'approximation and know the truth, than to demand an' say 'exact solution and not know the truth at all.' return ML509: say 'An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful' say 'than a complex, incomprehensible truth.' return ML510: say 'Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field' say 'of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough,' say 'becomes an obstruction at its progress -- In direct' say 'proportion to the importance of his original contribution.' return ML511: say 'If a scientist encovers a publishable fact, it will' say 'become central to his theory.' say ' ' say 'His theory, in turn, will become central to all' say 'scientific thought.' return ML512: say 'There is no such thing as a straight line.' return ML513: say 'In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur' say 'at the opposite end to the end at which you begin' say 'checking for errors.' return ML514: say 'Only errors exist.' return ML515: say 'One man''s error is another man''s data.' Return ML516: say 'To err is human, but to really foul things up requires' say 'a computer.' return ML517: say 'When putting it into memory, remember where you put it .' return ML518: say 'Never test for an error condition you don''t know' say 'how to handle.' return ML519: say 'Everybody lies; but it doesn''t matter, since' say 'nobody listens.' return ML520: say 'People who love sausage and respect the law should' say 'never watch either one being made.' return ML521: say 'No matter what they''re telling you, they''re not' say 'telling you the whole truth.' return ML522: say 'No matter what they''re talking about, they''re' say 'talking about money.' return ML523: say 'In any dealings with a collective body of people, the' say 'people will always be more tacky than originally expected.' return ML524: say 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing' say 'theirs, then you just don''t understand the problem.' return ML525: say 'Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies.' return ML526: say 'When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,' say 'responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.' return ML527: say 'When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough' say 'the public will not have enough stake in any one' say 'expenditure to squelch it.' return ML528: say 'When the government bureau''s remedies do not match your' say 'problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.' return ML529: say 'A fool and your money are soon partners.' return ML530: say 'You may know where the market is going, but you can''t' say 'possibly know where it''s going after that.' return ML531: say 'Among economists, the real world is often a special case.' return ML532: say 'Trial balances don''t.' return ML533: say 'Working capital doesn''t.' return ML534: say 'Liquidity tends to run out.' return ML535: say 'Return on investments won''t' return ML536: say 'If everybody doesn''t want it, nobody gets it.' return ML537: say 'Mass man must be served by mass means.' return ML538: say 'Everything is contagious.' return ML539: say 'Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.' return ML540: say 'The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake' say 'that you''ve got it made.' return ML541: say 'An expert is anyone from out of town.' return ML542: say 'An expert is one who knows more and more about less' say 'and less until he knows absolutely everything' say 'about nothing.' return ML543: say 'To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job' say 'will take the longest and cost the most.' return ML544: say 'If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you''ve just' say 'become the expert.' return ML545: say 'Indecision is the basis for flexibility.' return ML546: say 'Anything is possible if you don''t know what you''re' say 'talking about.' return ML547: say 'Never create a problem for which you do not have' say 'the answer.' return ML548: say 'Create problems for which only you have the answer.' return ML549: say 'A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.' return ML550: say 'Hindsight is an exact science.' return ML551: say 'History doesn''t repeat itself -- Historians merely' say 'repeat each other.' return ML552: say 'Fact is solidified opinion.' return ML553: say 'Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.' return ML554: say 'Truth is elastic.' return ML555: say 'When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.' return ML556: say 'When in trouble, obfuscate.' return ML557: say 'Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is' say 'wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing' say 'a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.' return ML558: say 'It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex' say 'task to make them simple.' return ML559: say 'If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he' say 'will find an easier way to do it.' return ML560: say 'Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or' say 'exceeding the greatness of the idea.' return ML561: say 'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately' say 'explained by stupidity.' return ML562: say 'New systems generate new problems.' return ML563: say 'Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied.' return ML564: say 'Systems tend to grow, and as they grow they encroach.' return ML565: say 'Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes.' return ML566: say 'The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted.' return ML567: say 'A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of' say 'A smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.' return ML568: say 'People in systems do not do what the systems says' say 'they are doing.' return ML569: say 'The system itself does not do what it says it is doing .' return ML570: say 'A complex system that works is invariably found to have' say 'evolved from a simple system that works.' return ML571: say 'A complex system designed from scratch never works and' say 'cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start' say 'over, beginning with a working simple system.' return ML572: say '1. Everything is a system' say '2. Everything is part of a larger system' say '3. The universe is infinitely systematized both upward' say ' (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems)' say '4. All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion' say ' of simplicity comes from focussing attention on' say ' one or a few variables).' return ML573: say 'Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.' return ML574: say 'If the course you wanted most has room for ''n'' students' say 'you will be the ''n + 1'' to apply.' return ML575: say 'Class schedules are designed so that every student will' say 'waste the maximum time between classes.' return ML576: say 'Show me a person who''s never made a mistake and I''ll' say 'show you somebody who''s never achieved much.' return ML577: say 'When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it''s' say 'sad to know that only one is called the happy hour.' return ML578: say 'When you are able to schedule two classes in a row,' say 'they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of' say 'the campus.' return ML579: say 'A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered' say 'only during the semester following the desired course.' return ML580: say 'When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most' say 'important ones will be illegible.' return ML581: say 'The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure' say 'you are as to which answer they want.' return ML582: say '80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture' say 'you missed about the one book you didn''t read.' return ML583: say 'The night before the English history mid-term, your' say 'biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.' return ML584: say 'Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else' say 'to do except study for that instructor''s course.' return ML585: say 'If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget' say 'your book' say 'if you are given a take-home exam, you will forget' say 'where you live.' return ML586: say 'At the end of the semester you will recall having' say 'enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester' say '-- And never attending.' return ML587: say 'The one course you must take to graduate will not be' say 'offered during your last semester.' return ML588: say 'The more general the title of a course, the less' say 'you will learn from it.' return ML589: say 'The more specific the title of a course, the less you' say 'will be able to apply it later.' return ML590: say 'The most valuable quotation will be the one for which' say 'you cannot determine the source.' return ML591: say 'The source for an unattributed quotation will appear' say 'in the most hostile review of your work.' return ML592: say 'When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does' say 'not understand, his work will be understood only by' say 'readers who know more about that subject than he does.' return ML593: say 'Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the' say 'first objective of communication -- Informing' say 'the uninformed.' return ML594: say 'When a student asks for a second time if you have read' say 'his book report, he did not read the book.' return ML595: say 'If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled' say 'exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance' say 'is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you' say 'have never seen before.' return ML596: say 'Just because your doctor has a name for your condition' say 'doesn''t mean he knows what it is.' return ML597: say 'The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the' say 'waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for' say 'your scheduled appointment.' return ML598: say 'Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.' return ML599: say 'You never have the right number of pills left on the' say 'last day of a prescription.' return ML600: say 'The pills to be taken with meals will be the least' say 'appetizing ones.' return ML601: say 'Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders.' return ML602: say 'If your condition seems to be getting better, it''s' say 'probably your doctor getting sick.' return ML603: say 'Beware of the physician who is great at getting' say 'out of trouble.' return ML604: say 'A drug is that substance which, when injected into a' say 'rat, will produce a scientific report.' return ML605: say 'Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it' say 'is 1) Positive, or 2) Negative. If both answers are the' say 'same, don''t do the test.' return ML606: say 'The radiologists'' national flower is the hedge.' return ML607: say 'The feasibility of an operation is not the best' say 'indication for its performance.' return ML608: say 'A physician''s ability is inversely proportional' say 'to his availability.' return ML609: say 'There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won''t' say ' stay on and that which won''t come off.' return ML610: say 'Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time.' return ML611: say 'Everybody who didn''t want a pain shot when you were' say 'passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing' say 'out sleeping pills.' return ML612: say 'An alcoholic is a person who drinks more that his' say 'own physician.' return ML613: say 'Fools rush in -- And get the best seats.' return ML614: say 'At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from' say 'the aisle arrive last.' return ML615: say 'Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the' say 'scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.' return ML616: say 'Nothing is ever so bad it can''t be made worse by' say 'firing the coach.' return ML617: say 'The wrong quarterback is the one that''s in there.' return ML618: say 'A free agent is anything but.' return ML619: say 'Hockey is a game played by six good players and the' say 'home team.' return ML620: say 'Whatever can go to New York, will.' return ML621: say 'Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team,' say 'he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless' say 'no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.' return ML622: say 'Never leave hold of what you''ve got until you''ve' say 'got hold of something else.' return ML623: say 'A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or' say 'her opposition.' return ML624: say 'The only way to make up for being lost is to make' say 'record time while you are lost.' return ML625: say 'The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number' say 'and experience of the people you have on board.' return ML626: say 'No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock' say 'once you have reached the furthest point from port' say 'the wind will die.' return ML627: say 'The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing' say 'season draws nearer.' return ML628: say 'The least experience fisherman always catches the' say 'biggest fish.' return ML629: say 'The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater' say 'the chance of having to stop at the fish market' say 'on the way home.' return ML630: say 'The worse your line is tangled, the better is the' say 'fishing around you.' return ML631: say 'The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.' return ML632: say 'The mountain looks closer than it is.' return ML633: say 'All trails have more uphill sections that they have' say 'level or downhill sections.' return ML634: say 'The one who leasts wants to play is the one who will win.' return ML635: say 'All things being equal, you lose.' say ' ' say 'All things being in your favor, you still lose.' return ML636: say 'Win or lose, you lose.' return ML637: say 'No matter where you go, there you are !' return ML638: say 'It always takes longer to get there than to get back.' return ML639: say 'If everything is coming your way, you''re in the' say 'wrong lane.' return ML640: say 'If you allow someone to get in front of you either:' say 'A. The car in front will be the last one over a' say ' railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting' say ' for a long, slow-moving train; or' say 'B. You both will have the same destination and the' say ' other car will get the last parking space.' return ML641: say 'If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two' say 'new parking spaces right in front of the building' say 'entrance.' return ML642: say 'When you''re not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn' say 'green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.' return ML643: say 'A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise' say 'deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.' return ML644: say 'The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional' say 'to the length of the passing zone.' return ML645: say 'The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly' say 'in front of your eyes.' return ML646: say 'If you can get to the faulty part, you don''t have the' say 'tool to get it off.' return ML647: say 'If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house' say 'will have it back-ordered.' return ML648: say 'If the faulty part is in stock, it didn''t need replacing' say 'in the first place.' return ML649: say 'When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you' say 'becomes a hammer.' return ML650: say 'No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end' say 'up covered with grease and motor oil.' return ML651: say 'When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used' say 'interchangeably.' return ML652: say 'Automotive Engineering Repair Law:' say ' If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.' return ML653: say 'If you lived here you''d be home now.' return ML654: say 'If it''s good, they discontinue it.' return ML655: say 'It the shoe fits, it''s ugly.' return ML656: say '1. If you like it, they don''t have it in your size' say '2. If you like it and it''s in your size, it doesn''t' say ' fit anyway' say '3. If you like it and it fits, you can''t afford it' say '4. If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it' say ' falls apart the first time you wear it.' return ML657: say 'The one you want is never the one on sale.' return ML658: say 'Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn''t.' return ML659: say 'The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up.' return ML660: say 'The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news"' say 'means the price went way way up.' return ML661: say 'If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet' say 'it''s not $19.95' return ML662: say 'Acf2 is a four letter word.' return ML663: say 'If only one price can be obtained for any quotation,' say 'the price will be unreasonable.' return ML664: say 'A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will' say 'self-destruct on the 61st day.' return ML665: say 'The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week' say 'after you''ve made your purchase:' say ' ' say ' 1. The one you bought will be rated "Unacceptable"' say ' 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "Best Buy"' return ML666: say 'If you don''t write to complain, you''ll never receive' say 'your order.' say 'if you do write, you''ll receive the merchandise before' say 'your angry letter reaches its destination.' return ML667: say 'The most important item in an order will no longer' say 'be available.' return ML668: say 'During the time an item is on back-order, it will be' say 'available cheaper and quicker from many other sources.' return ML669: say 'People will buy anything that''s one to a customer.' return ML670: say 'Security isn''t.' return ML671: say 'Management can''t.' return ML672: say 'Sale promotions don''t.' return ML673: say 'Consumer assistance doesn''t.' return ML674: say 'Workers won''t.' return ML675: say 'Cleanliness is next to impossible.' return ML676: say 'Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any' say 'function adequately.' return ML677: say 'The more expensive the gadget, the less often you' say 'will use it.' return ML678: say 'The simpler the instruction (e.g. "Press here"), The' say 'more difficult it will be to open the package.' return ML679: say 'In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book,' say 'the most vital measurement will be illegible.' return ML680: say 'Once a dish is fouled up. Anything added to save it' say 'only makes it worse.' return ML681: say 'You are always complimented on the item which took the' say 'least effort to prepare' say ' ' say 'Example:' say ' ' say ' If you make "duck a l''orange" you will be' say ' complimented on the baked potato.' Return ML682: say 'The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store' say 'to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.' return ML683: say 'The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal' say 'the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire' say 'meal discussing other meals they have had.' return ML684: say 'Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and' say 'for guests you didn''t really want to invite anyway.' return ML685: say 'The rotten egg will be the one you break into the' say 'cake batter.' return ML686: say 'Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be' say 'needed immediately thereafter for something else.' return ML687: say 'Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will' say 'be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients.' return ML688: say 'Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion' say 'to time spent preparing it.' return ML689: say 'Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch.' return ML690: say 'If you''re wondering if you took the meat out to' say 'thaw, you didn''t.' return ML691: say 'If you''re wondering if you left the coffee pot' say 'plugged in, you did.' return ML692: say 'If you''re wondering if you need to stop and pick up' say 'bread and eggs on the way home, you do.' return ML693: say 'If you''re wondering if you have enough money to take' say 'the family out to eat tonight, you don''t.' return ML694: say 'The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on' say 'the other side.' return ML695: say 'Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.' return ML696: say 'All break downs occur on the plumber''s day off.' return ML697: say 'Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the' say 'cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the' say 'cost of a new washer by .75' return ML698: say 'There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry.' return ML699: say 'If it''s clean, it isn''t laundry.' return ML700: say 'A child will not spill on a dirty floor.' return ML701: say 'An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.' return ML702: say 'Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly' say 'refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate' say 'for an audience.' return ML703: say 'A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public' say 'area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary.' return ML704: say 'The probability of a cat eating its dinner has' say 'absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food' say 'placed before it.' return ML705: say 'The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss' say 'to go in or out is directly proportional to the number' say 'and importance of your dinner guests.' return ML706: say 'The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of' say 'junk food available.' return ML707: say 'If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe,' say 'there won''t be any left by the time they are ripe. If' say 'you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.' return ML708: say 'How long a minute is depends on which side of the' say 'bathroom door you''re on.' return ML709: say 'The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely' say 'with its price and directly with its ugliness.' return ML710: say 'If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch' say 'it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.' return ML711: say 'If there are only 2 shows worth watching, they will be' say 'on together.' return ML712: say 'The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled.' return ML713: say 'The TV show you''ve been looking forward to all week' say 'will be preempted.' return ML714: say 'Most people deserve each other.' return ML715: say 'Possessions increase to fill the space available for' say 'their storage.' return ML716: say 'When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.' return ML717: say '1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the' say ' door, fumbling for your keys.' say ' ' say '2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click' say ' of the caller hanging up.' Return ML718: say 'People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you' say 'remind them of someone else.' return ML719: say 'The one who snores will fall asleep first.' return ML720: say 'Never get excited about a blind date because of how' say 'it sounds over the phone.' return ML721: say 'The love letter you finally got the courage to send' say 'will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to' say 'make a fool of yourself in person.' return ML722: say 'Other people''s romantic gestures seem novel and exciting' say ' ' say 'your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.' return ML723: say 'The length of a marriage is inversely proportional' say 'to the amount spent on the wedding.' return ML724: say ' All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will' say ' happen or it won''t.' say ' ' say ' This is especially true when dealing with women.' say ' ' say ' Likelihoods; however, are 90% against you.' return ML725: say 'Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on' say 'Sunday pray for crop failure.' return ML726: say 'The probability of meeting someone you know increases' say 'when you are with someone you don''t want to be seen with.' return ML727: say 'If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember' say 'you - the next time he''s in need.' return ML728: say 'Virtue is its own punishment.' return ML729: say 'If you do something right once, someone will ask' say 'you to do it again.' return ML730: say 'The one day you''d sell your soul for something,' say 'souls are a glut.' return ML731: say 'The scratch on the record is always through the song' say 'you like most.' return ML732: say 'Superiority is recessive.' return ML733: say 'Forgive and remember.' return ML734: say 'Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral' say 'or fattening.' return ML735: say 'Anything good in life either causes cancer in' say 'laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.' return ML736: say 'To err is human -- To blame it on someone else is' say 'even more human.' return ML737: say 'Whatever happens to you, it will previously have' say 'happened to everyone you know only more so.' return ML738: say 'He who laughs last -- Probably didn''t get the joke.' return ML739: say 'Don''t worry over what other people are thinking about' say 'you. They''re too busy worrying over what you are' say 'thinking about them.' return ML740: say 'In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the' say 'organization the less people appreciate Murphy''s Law,' say 'the Peter Principle, etc.' Return ML741: say 'Law expands in proportion to the resources available' say 'for its enforcement.' return ML742: say 'Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.' return ML743: say 'There are some things which are impossible to know -' say 'but it is impossible to know these things.' return ML744: say 'When we try to pick out anything by itself we find' say 'it hitched to everything else in the universe.' return ML745: say 'If one views his problem closely enough he will' say 'recognize himself as part of the problem.' return ML746: say 'ABACUS: A reliable solid-state biquinary computing device' say 'now partly superseded by the CRAY series.' return ML747: say 'Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please.' Say 'Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please' return ML748: say 'If several things that could have gone wrong have not' say 'gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial' say 'for them to have gone wrong.' return ML749: say 'The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to' say 'try on a new shirt.' return ML750: say 'Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than' say 'a wet dog.' return ML751: say 'The severity of an itch is inversely proportional' say 'to the reach.' return ML752: say 'A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and' say 'nobody minds if you exchange it.' return ML753: say 'The only game that can''t be fixed is peek-A-boo.' return ML754: say 'Ignorance should be painful.' return ML755: say 'The first insurance agent was David -' say 'he gave Goliath a piece of the rock.' return ML756: say 'King Arthur ran the first Knight Club.' return ML757: say 'Magellan was the first Strait man.' return ML758: say 'If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are' say 'either a nitwit or a repairman.' return ML759: say 'If it weren''t for the opinion polls we''d never know' say 'what people are undecided about.' return ML760: say 'No news is... Impossible' return ML761: say 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and ...' say 'you have to blow your nose.' return ML762: say 'A penny saved is ...not much' return ML763: say 'He who marries for money...better be nice to his wife' return ML764: say 'It''s always darkest before ...daylight saving time' return ML765: say 'If at first you don''t succeed...get new batteries' return ML766: say 'There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.' /* Some consider the following in bad taste where blind is ignorance*/ /* When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of their way */ return ML767: say 'Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to' say 'lick it.' return ML768: say 'One place where you''re sure to find the perfect' say 'driver is in the back seat.' return ML769: say 'Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception' say 'of discount-priced fruitcakes.' return ML770: say 'How do they know no two snowflakes are alike.' return ML771: say 'How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented.' return ML772: say 'To err is human, to forgive is divine --' say 'but to forget it altogether is humane.' return ML773: say '"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching' say ' one overhead.' return ML774: say 'The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva' say 'nuisance, especially if your''re using the tunnel' say 'as a darkroom.' return ML775: say 'Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger.' return ML776: say 'Never argue with an artist.' return ML777: say 'When in doubt, don''t mumble, overexpose...then mumble' return ML778: say 'The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.' return ML779: say 'A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for' say 'Christmas and spending them by Easter.' return ML780: say 'A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a' say 'shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey' return ML781: say 'A budget is wondering why you should balance yours' say 'if the government can not balance theirs.' return ML782: say 'A budget is trying to figure out how the family next' say 'door is doing it.' return ML783: say 'A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber' say 'has to make an emergency visit.' return ML784: say 'A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as' say 'it did when you were first married.' return ML785: say 'A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because' say 'it was marked down.' return ML786: say 'You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to' say 'be an average consumer.' return ML787: say 'He who dies with the most toys wins.' return ML788: say 'A fool and his money soon go partying.' return ML789: say 'If his IQ was any lower he''d be a plant.' return ML790: say 'Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.' return ML791: say 'It is far better to do nothing that to do' say 'something efficiently' say ' Siezbo' return ML792: say 'The man who has no more problems is out of the game.' return ML793: say 'The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle' say 'to the strong, but that''s the way to bet.' return ML794: say 'A fool and his money are invited places.' return ML795: say 'All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.' return ML796: say 'The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached' say 'to someone who isn''t getting enough sleep.' return ML797: say 'After winning an argument with his wife,' say 'the wisest thing a man can do is apologize.' return ML798: say 'If opportunity came disguised as temptation,' say 'one knock would be enough.' return ML799: say 'If there was any justice in this world, people would' say 'occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.' return ML800: say 'Easy doesn''t do it.' return ML801: say 'Most people want to be delivered from temptation but' say ' would like it to keep in touch.' return ML802: say 'When a distinguished scientist states something is' say 'possible, he is almost certainly right. When he' say 'states that something is impossible, he is very' say 'probably wrong.' return ML803: say 'Early to rise and early to bed makes a male' say 'healthy and wealthy and dead.' return ML804: say 'Everyone gets away with something.' say 'no one gets away with everything.' return ML805: say 'Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure.' return /*-------------------------------------------------------------*/ /* Extensions as added by me, Jim Marshall -- CBT 300 */ /*-------------------------------------------------------------*/ ML806: say 'Calm down .... It is only ones and zeros' return ML807: say 'Real programmers don''t write COBOL.' say 'COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.' return ML808: say 'I have not lost my mind --' say ' it is backed up on tape somewhere.' return ML809: say 'Real programmers do not document.' say 'documentation is for simps who can''t read listings' say ' or object code.' return ML810: say 'Real programmers don''t write specs -- Users should' say 'consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and' say 'take what they get.' return ML811: say 'Real programmers don''t comment their code. If it is hard' say 'to write, it should be hard to understand.' return ML812: say 'Real programmers don''t write applications programs; they' say 'program right down on the bare metal. Application' say 'programming is for feebs who can''t do systems programming.' return ML813: say 'Real programmers don''t eat quiche. In fact, real' say 'programmers don''t know how to spell quiche. They eat' say 'twinkies and szechwan food.' return ML814: say 'Real programmer''s programs never work the first time. But' say 'if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into' say 'working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.' return ML815: say 'Real programmers don''t write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for' say 'pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.' return ML816: say 'Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real' say 'programmers are around at 9 a.m., it''s because they' say 'were up all night.' return ML817: say 'Real programmers don''t write in basic. Actually, no' say 'programmers write in basic after age 12.' return ML818: say 'Real programmers don''t write in PL/1. PL/1 is for' say 'programmers who can''t decide whether to write in' say 'COBOL or FORTRAN.' return ML819: say 'Real programmers don''t play tennis or any other sport' say 'that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is' say 'ok, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work' say 'in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle' say 'of the machine room.' return ML820: say 'Real programmers don''t write in Pascal, Bliss, or ADA, or' say 'any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong' say 'typing is for people with weak memories.' return ML821: say 'On a clear disk, you can seek forever.' return ML822: say 'Hollerith got us into this hole mess!' return ML823: say 'No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,' say 'with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the' say 'first.' return ML824: say 'When things are going well, something will go wrong.' say 'When things just can''t get any worse, they will.' say 'When things appear to be going better you have overlooked' say 'something.' ML825: say 'If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of' say 'change will exceed the rate of progress.' return ML826: say 'No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug' say 'a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even' say 'harder to find.' return ML827: say 'A carelessly planned project will take three times' say 'longer than expected; a carefully planned project will' say 'take only twice as long.' return ML828: say 'After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said ' say 'than done' ML829: say 'If it''s not in the computer, it doesn''t exist.' /**** Marshall's ML830-ML879 can be found later in this list*/ ML830: say 'It has been said that the ten most feared words in the' say ' English language are:' say ' ' say ' I''m from the federal government and I''m here to help.' return ML831: say 'I owe, I owe' say 'so it''s off to work I go.' return ML832: say 'When a distinguised, but elderly, scientist says that' say 'something is impossible, he is probably wrong.' return ML833: say 'Support your local bloodhound, get lost !' return ML834: say 'When I fly, I think about only three things --' say ' faith, hope and gravity.' return ML835: say 'The three stages of being sick: Ill, Pill, Bill.' return ML836: say 'There are three ways to become a millionaire these' say 'days: Inherit it, earn it, sue.' Return ML837: say 'Don''t try to teach a pig to sing .' say 'it won''t work, and it annoys the pig .' Return ML838: say ' Only four things in life are certain:' say ' 1. Death' say ' 2. Taxes' say ' 3. IBM will dominate in mainframes' say ' 4. IBM will once again jack up software prices' return ML839: say ' It''s more blessed to give than to receive --' say ' especially kittens.' return ML840: say 'All the world loves a lover - except those who are' say ' waiting to use the phone.' return ML841: say 'You can''t fool all the people all the time.' say ' highway-intercahnge signs come pretty close, however.' Return ML842: say 'Talk is cheap - unless you hire a lawyer.' return ML843: say 'In spite of the cost of living, it''s still popular.' return ML844: say 'Winning isn''t everything, but it beats anything that' say ' comes in second.' return ML845: say ' In the approval cycle for an article:' say ' The first level of management will add a fact' say ' The second level of management will edit that fact' say ' The third level of management will remove that fact.' return ML846: say 'As soon as you sit down to a hot cup of coffee, your' say 'boss will ask you to do something that will last' say 'until the coffee is cold.' return ML847: say 'A closed mouth gathers no food.' return ML848: say ' Murphy''s axiom of preventative divorce:' say ' An ounce of "I don''t" is worth' say ' megatons of "I wish I didn''t"' return ML849: say ' Marriage is like quicksand:' say ' If you never get into it' say ' you never have to worry about' say ' getting out of it.' return ML850: /* 06/87 */ say 'If you''re not the lead dog the scenery never changes.' return ML851: /* 06/87 */ say 'Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.' return ML852: /* 06/87 */ say 'A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.' return ML853: /* 06/87 */ say 'A bird in the hand is bad table manners.' return ML854: /* 06/87 */ say 'Those who can, do. Those who can''t, Write the instruction' return ML855: /* 06/87 */ say 'Never serve meals on time; the starving eat anything.' return ML856: /* 06/87 */ say 'The time it takes to find something is directly' say 'proportional to its importance.' return ML857: /* 06/87 */ say 'Anyone who even has to think about the cost had' say 'better not get one.' return ML858: /* 06/87 */ say 'The government''s biggest problem:' say ' Trying to get more money from the' say ' taxpayer without angering the voter.' return ML859: /* 07/87 */ say ' On the other hand, give some people enough rope and' say ' they''ll hang you.' return ML860: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t write COBOL.' say 'COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.' return ML861: /* 07/87 */ say 'I have not lost my mind -- It is backed up on tape somewhere.' return ML862: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers do not document. Documentation is for simps' say 'who can''t read listings or object code.' return ML863: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t write specs -- Users should' say 'consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and' say 'take what they get.' return ML864: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t comment their code. If it is hard' say 'to write, it should be hard to understand.' return ML865: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t write applications programs; they' say 'program right down on the bare metal. Application' say 'programming is for feebs who can''t do systems programming.' return ML866: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t eat quiche. In fact, real' say 'programmers don''t know how to spell quiche. They eat' say 'twinkies and szechwan food.' return ML867: /* 07/87 same as ML814 */ say 'Real programmer''s programs never work the first time. But' say 'if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into' say 'working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.' return ML868: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for' say 'pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.' return ML869: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real' say 'programmers are around at 9 a.m., it''s because they' say 'were up all night.' return ML870: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t write in basic. Actually, no' say 'programmers write in basic after age 12.' return ML871: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t write in PL/1. PL/1 is for' say 'programmers who can''t decide whether to write in' say 'COBOL or FORTRAN.' return ML872: /* 07/87 */ say 'Real programmers don''t play tennis or any other sport' say 'that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is' say 'ok, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work' say 'in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle' say 'of the machine room.' return ML873: /* 07/87 -- same as ML820*/ say 'Real programmers don''t write in Pascal, Bliss, or ADA, or' say 'any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong' say 'typing is for people with weak memories.' return ML874: /* 07/87 */ say 'On a clear disk, you can seek forever.' return ML875: /* 07/87 */ say 'Hollerith got us into this hole mess!' return ML876: /* 07/87 */ say 'No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,' say 'with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the' say 'first.' return ML877: /* 07/87 */ say 'When things are going well, something will go wrong.' say '- When things just can''t get any worse, they will.' say '- When things appear to be going better you have overlooked' say ' something.' return ML878: /* 07/87 */ say 'If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of' say 'change will exceed the rate of progress.' return ML879: /* 07/87 same as ML829 */ say 'No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug' say 'a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even' say 'harder to find.' return ML880: /* 07/87 */ say 'A carelessly planned project will take three times' say 'longer than expected; a carefully planned project will' say 'take only twice as long.' return ML881: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Mystics always hope that science' say ' will some day overtake them."' say ' ' say ' Booth Tarkington' return ML882: /* 07/87 */ say ' "God bless us every one!"' say ' ' say ' Charles Dickens' return ML883: /* 07/87 */ say ' "For there is no such flatterer as a' say ' man''s self; and there is no such remedy' say ' against flattery of a man''s self as the' say ' liberty of a friend."' say ' Francis Bacon' return ML884: /* 07/87 */ say ' "A door is what a dog is perpetually' say ' on the wrong side of."' say ' ' say ' Ogden Nash' return ML885: /* 07/87 */ say ' Trivia: "48"' say ' freckles on puppet Howdy Doody''s face' say ' (stood for the 48 states in the 1950s)' say ' "1-0"' say ' score of a forfeited football game.' return ML886: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Freedom of the press is limited to' say ' those who own one."' say ' ' say ' A. J. Liebling' return ML887: /* 07/87 */ say ' Trivia: "boopadoop"' say ' blondie''s maiden name (from comic strip)' say ' "5›"' say ' Lucy van Pelt''s fee for psychiatric' say ' advice (Peanuts comic strip).' return ML888: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Hearts will never be practical until' say ' they can be made unbreakable."' say ' ' say ' the wizard of oz' say ' to the tin man.' return ML889: /* 07/87 */ say ' Trivia: "Great Stone Face"' say ' nickname of Joseph "Buster" Keaton' say ' "Krells"' say ' super-intelligent creatures that lived' say ' below the surface of Altair iv.' Return ML890: /* 07/87 */ say ' "A sharp knife cuts the quickest and' say ' hurts the least."' say ' ' say ' Katharine Hepburn' return ML891: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Women are like elephants to me.' say ' I like to look at them, but I' say ' wouldn''t want to own one."' say ' ' say ' W.C. Fields' Return ML892: /* 07/87 */ say ' Trivia: "Muhammad Ali"' say ' religious name adopted by Cassius' say ' Marcellus Clay.' say ' "$400"' say ' cost of boardwalk (Monopoly game).' Return ML893: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The only grounds for divorce in' say ' California are marriage."' say ' ' say ' Cher' return ML894: /* 07/87 */ say ' Trivia: Boy Scouts ages:' say ' Cub Scouts- age 8-10' say ' Boy Scouts- age 10-13' say ' Explorer Scouts- age 14 and above' say ' ' return ML895: /* 07/87 */ say ' "When one hundred senators talk for' say ' thirty-seven hours, enough natural gas' say ' is produced."' say ' ' say ' Henry Kissinger' return ML896: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Education is a method by which one' say ' acquires a higher grade of' say ' prejudices."' say ' ' say ' Laurence J. Peter' return ML897: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The secret of education is' say ' respecting the pupil."' say ' ' say ' Ralph Waldo Emerson' return ML898: /* 07/87 */ say ' "History is a set of lies' say ' agreed upon."' say ' ' say ' Napoleon Bonaparte' return ML899: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The natural progress of things is for' say ' liberty to yield and government to' say ' gain ground."' say ' ' say ' Thomas Jefferson' return ML900: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The best audience is one that is' say ' intelligent, well-educated' say ' -and a little drunk."' say ' ' say ' Alben W. Barkley' return ML901: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Problems are only opportunities in' say ' work clothes."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML902: /* 07/87 */ say ' "You can''t sit on the lid of progress.' say ' if you do, you will be blown to pieces."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML903: /* 07/87 */ say ' "It isn''t power, it''s persuasion that' say ' makes things successful. The more we' say ' grow in size, it will be by' say ' persuasion."' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML904: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The only limit to our realization of' say ' tomorrow will be our doubts of today.' say ' let us move forward with strong and' say ' active faith."' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML905: /* 07/87 */ say ' "There''s only one time to do anything' say ' and that''s today."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML906: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Beware of the man who goes to cocktail' say ' parties not to drink but to listen."' say ' ' say ' Pierre Daninos' return ML907: /* 07/87 */ say ' "One nice thing about egotists:' say ' They don''t talk about other people."' say ' ' say ' Lucille S. Harper' return ML908: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Satan hasn''t a single salaried helper;' say ' the opposition employs a million."' say ' ' say ' Mark Twain' return ML909: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Everyone is a genius at least once a' say ' year; a real genius has his original' say ' ideas closer together."' say ' ' say ' G.C. Lichtenberg' return ML910: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg' say ' address while travelling from' say ' Washington to Gettysburg on the back' say ' of an envelope." (sic)' say ' Louis Untermeyer' return ML911: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The difference between a politician and' say ' a statesman is: A politician thinks' say ' of the next election and a statesman' say ' thinks of the next generation."' say ' James Freeman Clarke' return ML912: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Courtroom: A place where Jesus Christ and' say ' Judas Iscariot would be equals, with' say ' the betting odds in favor of Judas."' say ' ' say ' H.L. Mencken' return ML913: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Sanity is madness put to good use."' say ' ' say ' George Santayana' return ML914: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Only the past is immortal."' say ' ' say ' Delmore Schwartz' return ML915: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Whoever named it necking was a poor' say ' judge of anatomy."' say ' ' say ' Groucho Marx' return return ML916: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The end move in politics is always' say ' to pick up the gun."' say ' ' say ' Buckminster Fuller' return ML917: /* 07/87 */ say '"Everyone is the child of his past."' say ' ' say ' Edna G. Rostow' return ML918: /* 07/87 */ say ' "To many people dramatic criticism must' say ' be like trying to tattoo soap bubbles."' say ' ' say ' John Mason Brown' return ML919: /* 07/87 */ say ' "An intellectual is someone whose mind' say ' watches itself."' say ' ' say ' Albert Camus' return ML920: /* 07/87 */ say ' "There''s a sucker born every minute."' say ' P. T. Barnum' return ML921: /* 07/87 */ say ' "A fool and his money are soon parted."' say ' James Howell' return ML922: /* 07/87 */ say ' "I know only two tunes: One of them is' say ' ''Yankee Doodle,'' And the other' say ' isn''t."' say ' ' say ' Ulysses S. Grant' return ML923: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Find a need and fill it."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML924: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Don''t bring me any thing but trouble.' say ' good news weakens me."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML925: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Let''s keep on being the kind of' say ' organization that''s never satisfied' say ' with itself."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML926: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Let''s not stifle ideas by inaction.' say ' we can, if we will, keep forever' say ' building the tomorrow that is better' say ' than yesterday."' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML927: /* 07/87 */ say ' Umbrella Law:' say ' "you will need three umbrellas:' say ' one to leave at the office, one to' say ' leave at home, and one to leave on the' say ' train."' return ML928: /* 07/87 */ say ' Bell''s Rule. "The average time between' say ' throwing something away and needing it' say ' badly is two weeks. This time can be' say ' reduced to one week by retaining the' say ' thing for a long time first."' return ML929: /* 07/87 */ say ' Rowe''s Rule. "The odds are 6 to 5 that' say ' the light at the end of the tunnel is a' say ' headlight on an oncoming express' say ' train."' say ' ' return ML930: /* 07/87 */ say ' Ogden''s Law:' say ' "The sooner you fall behind, the more' say ' time you have to catch up."' return ML931: /* 07/87 */ say ' Air Force Law: "Two % don''t get the word."' say ' ' say ' Berra''s Law:' say ' "You can observe a lot just by watching."' say ' ' return ML932: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The devil can cite scripture for his' say ' purpose."' say ' ' say ' William Shakespeare' return ML933: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The good neighbor looks beyond the' say ' external accidents and discerns those' say ' inner qualities that make all men' say ' human and, therefore, brothers."' say ' Martin Luther King, Jr' Return ML934: /* 07/87 */ say ' "There is a sufficiency in the world' say ' for man''s need but not for man''s' say ' greed."' say ' ' say ' Mohandas Gandhi' return ML935: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Our existence is but a brief crack' say ' of light between two eternities' say ' of darkness."' say ' ' say ' Vladimir Nabokov' return ML936: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than' say ' ordinary ignorance."' say ' Bennett Cerf' return ML937: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Ignorance is no excuse--- It''s the real' say ' thing." Irene Peter' return ML938: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The maxim of the British people is' say ' ''business as usual.''"' say ' ' say ' ' say ' Winston Churchill' return ML939: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Oh, to be in england' say ' now that April''s there."' say ' ' say ' ' say ' Robert Browning' return ML940: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Englishman: A creature who thinks he is' say ' being virtuous when he is only being' say ' uncomfortable."' say ' ' say ' George Bernard Shaw' return ML941: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Contrary to popular belief, English' say ' women do not wear tweed nightgowns.' say ' ' say ' Hermione Gingold' return ML942: /* 07/87 */ say ' "If a playwright is funny, the English' say ' look for a serious message, and if he''s' say ' serious, they look for the joke."' say ' ' say ' Sacha Guitry' return ML943: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Eternal vigilance is the' say ' price of liberty."' say ' ' say ' Wendel Phillips' return ML944: /* 07/87 */ say ' "No Negro American can be free until the' say ' lowest Negro in Mississippi is no longer' say ' disadvantaged because of his race."' say ' ' say ' Ralph Bunche' return ML945: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Liberty means responsibility.' say ' that is why most men dread it."' say ' ' say ' George Bernard Shaw' return ML946: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Freedom is not enough."' say ' Lyndon B. Johnson' return ML947: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Liberty doesn''t work as well in practice' say ' as it does in speeches."' say ' Will Rogers' return ML948: /* 07/87 */ say ' "At no time is freedom of speech more' say ' precious than when a man hits his' say ' thumb with a hammer."' say ' ' say ' Marshall Lumsden' return ML949: /* 07/87 */ say ' "All work and no play makes Jack a dull' say ' boy--- and Jill a wealthy widow."' say ' ' say ' Evan Esar' return ML950: /* 07/87 */ say ' "I''m a great believer in luck,' say ' and I find the harder I work the more' say ' I have of it."' say ' ' say ' Thomas Jefferson' return ML951: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The world will never have lasting' say ' peace so long as men reserve for' say ' war the finest human qualities."' say ' ' say ' John Foster Dulles' return ML952: /* 07/87 */ say ' "It is not the employer who pays the' say ' wages--- He only handles the money.' say ' it is the product that pays wages."' say ' ' say ' Henry Ford' return ML953: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Ask not what your country can do for you' say ' but what you can do for your country."' say ' "The united states has to move very fast' say ' to even stand still."' say ' John F. Kennedy' return ML954: /* 07/87 */ say ' "One fifth of the people are against' say ' everything all the time." r.f.k.' Return ML955: /* 07/87 */ say ' "It isn''t that I''m a saint. It''s just' say ' that I''ve never found it necessary' say ' to be a sinner." R.F.K' return ML956: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Let us never negotiate out of fear,' say ' but let us never fear to negotiate."' say ' ' say ' John F. Kennedy' return ML957: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Is there such a thing as shoppers' say ' anonymous?"' say ' ' say ' John F. Kennedy, on receiving a $40,000' say ' bill for his wife''s clothes.' Return ML958: /* 07/87 */ say ' "If a free society cannot help the many' say ' who are poor, it cannot save the few' say ' who are rich." J.F.K' return ML959: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Mankind must put an end to war, or war' say ' will put an end to mankind." j.f.k.' Return ML960: /* 07/87 */ say ' "When choosing between two evils,' say ' I always like to try the one' say ' I''ve never tried before."' say ' ' say ' Mae West' return ML961: /* 07/87 */ say ' "I name thee old glory."' say ' Captain William Driver' return ML962: /* 07/87 */ say ' "If anyone attempts to haul down the' say ' American flag, shoot him on the spot."' say ' John A. Dix' return ML963: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Most people like hard work.' say ' particularly when they are' say ' paying for it."' say ' ' say ' Franklin P. Jones' return ML964: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Crime is contagious.' say ' if the government becomes a law-breaker,' say ' it breeds contempt for the law."' say ' ' say ' Justice Louis D. Brandeis' return ML965: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Computers can figure out all kinds of' say ' problems, except the things that' say ' just don''t add up."' say ' ' say ' James Magary' return ML966: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Since we cannot know all that is to be' say ' known of everything, we ought to know' say ' a little about everything."' say ' ' say ' Blaise Pascal' return ML967: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The last thing that we find in making' say ' a book is to know what we must put' say ' first."' say ' ' say ' Blaise Pascal' return ML968: /* 07/87 */ say ' "If all men knew what each said of the' say ' other, there would not be four friends' say ' in the world."' say ' ' say ' Blaise Pascal' return ML969: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Justice without force is powerless;' say ' force without justice is tyrannical."' say ' ' say ' Blaise Pascal' return ML970: /* 07/87 */ say ' "The heart has its reasons which reason' say ' does not understand."' say ' ' say ' Blaise Pascal' return ML971: /* 07/87 */ say ' "I admit I may have dozed though some' say ' of the sessions. But I haven''t' say ' had a good rest since the campaign."' say ' ' say ' S. I. Hayakawa' return ML972: /* 07/87 */ say ' "More men have been elected between' say ' sundown and sunup than ever were elected' say ' elected between sunup and sundown."' say ' ' say ' Will Rogers' return ML973: /* 07/87 */ say ' "It makes no difference who you vote for--' say ' the two parties are really one party' say ' representing 4 precent of the people."' say ' ' say ' Gore Vidal' return ML974: /* 07/87 */ say ' "We''re going to move left and right' say ' at the same time."' say ' ' say ' Governor Jerry Brown' return ML975: /* 07/87 */ say ' "I always have to dream up there against' say ' the stars. If I don''t dream I''ll make' say ' it, I won''t even get close."' say ' ' say ' Henry J. Kaiser' return ML976: /* 07/87 */ say 'Calm down .... It is only ones and zeros' return ML977: /* 07/87 */ say ' "Thank heaven for the military-industrial' say ' complex. Its ultimate aim is peace' say ' in our time."' say ' ' say ' Barry Goldwater' return ML978: /* 08/01 */ say 'All that glitters has a high refractive index.' return ML979: /* 08/01 */ say 'Manufacturers rebate - company''s way of letting you' say 'know you''ve been overcharged.' return ML980: /* 08/87 */ say 'Trust everybody but cut the cards.' return ML981: /* 08/87 */ say 'It''s not the principal of the thing, it''s the interest.' return ML982: /* 08/87 */ say 'The best helping hand I ever got' say 'was at the end of my own arm.' return ML983: /* 09/87 */ say 'Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the' say 'day after.' return ML984: /* 09/87 */ say 'A cliche is only something well said in the first place.' return ML985: /* 09/87 */ say 'If you can''t be kind, at lease be vague.' return ML986: /* 09/87 */ say 'All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on' say 'the part of every organism to live beyond its income.' return ML987: /* 09/87 */ say 'A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds' say 'up to real money.' say ' ' say ' Senator Everett Dirksen' return ML988: /* 09/87 */ say 'Inside every large program is a small program' say 'struggling to get out.' return ML989: /* 09/87 */ say 'The attention span of a computer is only as long as' say 'its electrical cord.' return ML990: /* 09/87 */ say 'One good reason why computers can do more work than' say 'people is that they never have to stop and answer' say 'the phone.' return ML991: /* 09/87 */ say 'VSAM is a four letter word.' return ML992: /* 09/87 */ say 'Everyone has the right to do what they want,' say ' but is it right to do it.' return ML993: say 'The likelihood of someone doing 50 MPH in the fast' say 'lane is directly proportional to how late you are' say 'for work.' return ML994: say 'Traffic always flows faster in the other lanes.' return ML995: say 'The changes of someone making a right turn from the' say 'left-turn lane are a constant one in three.' return ML996: say 'Chances of the individual making this turn while' say 'flashing his left turn signal are a constant one in six.' return ML997: say 'The windshield wiper on the passenger side always' say 'work better.' return ML998: say 'The windshield wipers will disintegrate only when' say 'you turn them on during the worst rainstorm of the' say 'decade.' return ML999: say 'The chances of the spare tire being flat are in direct' say 'ratio to the distance from the nearest town.' return ML1000: say 'A tire will never go flat unless:' say ' A. The grade is at least 10 percent' say ' B. The tool kit is covered by at least 87 pounds' say ' of luggage' say ' C. You loaned your jack to a friend' return ML1001: say 'The only point under the car from which oil will drip' say 'is directly above where you will be lying.' return ML1002: say 'If there is any possibility of installing a part' say 'backwards, that''s the only way it will look correct.' return ML1003: say 'The usefulness of a computer printout is inversely' say 'proportional to its weight.' return ML1004: say 'The world is full of willing people, some willing to' say 'work, the rest willing to let them.' return ML1005: say 'My father taught me to work, he did not teach me to' say 'love it.' return ML1006: say 'Most people like hard work.' say 'particularly when they are paying for it.' Return ML1007: say 'If a thing is worth doing, its worth doing badly.' return ML1008: say 'Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should' say 'always save some of it for tomorrow.' Return ML1009: say 'He had insomnia so bad that he couldn''t sleep' say 'when he was working.' return ML1010: say 'You can''t get there from here.' return ML1011: say 'If your project doesn''t work, look for the part you' say 'didn''t think was important.' return ML1012: say 'Nothing is as easy as it looks.' return ML1013: say 'Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.' return ML1014: say 'You may know where the market is going but you can''t' say 'know where it''s going after that.' return ML1015: say 'If you''re early, it will be canceled. It you''re on' say 'time it will be over.' return ML1016: say 'When opportunity knocks, you''ve got headphones on.' return ML1017: say 'Any bureaucracy reorganized to enhance efficiency is' say 'immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.' return ML1018: say 'Any order that can be misunderstood has been' say 'misunderstood.' return ML1019: say 'If your condition seems to be getting better, your' say 'doctor is probably getting sick.' return ML1020: say 'There is always room at the top - after an investigation.' return ML1021: say 'There are two types of people :' say ' those who divide people into two groups' say ' and those who don''t.' return ML1022: say 'You are always complimented on the dish that took the' say 'least effort to prepare.' return ML1023: say 'The person with the least expertise has the most opinions.' return ML1024: say 'If it''s in French, you can''t afford it.' return ML1025: say 'The one you want is never the one on sale.' return ML1026: say 'When you drop change at the vending machine, the' say 'pennies will fall nearby while all the other coins' say 'will roll out of sight.' return ML1027: say 'Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to the' say 'cost of the hairdo.' return ML1028: say 'After you''ve mailed your last Christmas card, you' say 'will receive one from someone you''ve overlooked.' return ML1029: say 'If it weren''t for the last minute, nothing would' say 'ever get done.' return ML1030: say 'Unbreakable toys aren''t.' return ML1031: say 'Nothing is ever so bad that it can''t get worse.' return ML1032: say 'Law of Regressive Achievement:' say ' last year''s was always better.' return ML1033: say 'Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time' say 'has come.' return ML1034: say 'If it''s worth doing, it''s worth overdoing.' return ML1035: say 'The most expensive component is the one that breaks.' return ML1036: say 'Cleanliness is next to impossible.' return ML1037: say 'You never want the one you can afford.' return ML1038: say 'It requires less energy to take an object out of its' say 'proper place than to put it back.' return ML1039: say 'Everybody should believe in something....I believe' say 'I''ll have another drink.' return ML1040: say 'When someone you admire appears to be thinking deep' say 'thoughts, he is probably thinking about lunch.' return ML1041: say 'If anything can''t go wrong it will.' return ML1042: say 'No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone' say 'who knew it would.' return ML1043: say 'If they say you''ll get used to it, you won''t.' return ML1044: say '2 wrongs are only the beginning.' return ML1045: say 'Government corruption will be reported in the past tense.' return ML1046: say 'The only way to discover the limits of the possible' say 'is to go beyond them.' return ML1047: say 'There''s no time like the present for postponing' say 'what you don''t want to do.' return ML1048: say 'Nobody notices the big errors.' return ML1049: say 'When the remedies don''t cure the problem, government' say 'modifies the problem not the remedies.' return ML1050: say 'The one time you relax is the one time the boss walks' say 'into your office.' return ML1051: say 'Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.' return ML1052: say 'Only adults have difficulty with child proof bottles.' return ML1053: say 'It is a simple task to make things complex, but a' say 'complex task to make them simple.' return ML1054: say 'A dandelion from a lover means more than an orchid' say 'from a friend.' return ML1055: say 'Almost anything is easier to get into that to get out of.' return ML1056: say 'No matter how often a lie is proven to be false, there' say 'will be people who believe it to be true.' return ML1057: say 'Only God can make a random selection.' return ML1058: say 'Vital paper will show their vitality be moving from' say 'where you left them to where you can''t find them.' return ML1059: say 'No man''s life, liberty or property is safe when the' say 'legislature is in session.' return ML1060: say 'Law of Taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.' return ML1061: say 'All things being equal, you lose.' return ML1062: say 'Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.' return ML1063: say 'Women''s liberation didn''t.' return ML1064: say 'You can always find what you''re not looking for.' return ML1065: say 'When people are free to do as they please, they' say 'usually imitate each other.' return ML1066: say 'Iron law of Distribution:' say ' them that has, gets.' return ML1067: say 'Law of Sports Contracts:' say ' the more money a free agent signs for, the less' say ' effective he becomes.' return ML1068: say 'The Revolutionary Law:' say ' the scroungier the rebel uniform, the more likely' say ' a coup detat.' return ML1069: say 'When parking, if you allow someone in front of you,' say 'that driver will take the last available parking space.' return ML1070: say 'When we try to pick out only one thing, we find it' say 'hitched to everything else in the universe.' return ML1071: say 'History repeats itself, that''s one of the things' say 'wrong with history.' return ML1072: say 'Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.' return ML1073: say 'There is nothing so small that it can''t be blown' say 'out of proportion.' return ML1074: say 'There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry.' return ML1075: say 'The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body you' say 'are required to place on it.' return ML1076: say 'As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee,' say ' the airplace encounters turbulence.' return ML1077: say 'You can lead a horse to water, but if you get him to' say ' float on his back you''ve got something.' return ML1078: say 'As soon as you''re doing what you wanted to be doing,' say 'you want to be doing something else.' return ML1079: say 'It always take longer to get there than to get back.' return ML1080: say 'Anything can happen, if it''s not covered by your' say 'insurance.' return ML1081: say 'The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from' say 'the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.' return ML1082: say 'The shopping cart with the worse wheels is the one' say 'you chose.' return ML1083: say 'Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday' say 'pray for a crop failure.' return ML1084: say 'Where you stand depends on where you sit.' return ML1085: say 'Doing it the hard way is always easier.' return ML1086: say 'Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.' return ML1087: say 'The driver behind you always wants to go faster' say 'than you do.' return ML1088: say 'If it looks easy, it''s tough, if it looks tough,' say 'it''s impossible.' return ML1089: say 'The lightest-colored fabric attracts the' say ' darkest-colored stain.' return ML1090: say 'If you understand it, it''s obsolete.' return ML1091: say 'A crisis is when you can''t say:' say ' let''s forget the whole thing.' return ML1092: say 'Every solution breeds new problems.' return ML1093: say 'When you try to prove to someone that a machine' say 'won''t work, it will.' return ML1094: say 'The bigger they are, the harder they hit.' return ML1095: say 'Whenever you set out to do something, something else' say ' must be done first.' return ML1096: say 'The client who pays the least complains the most.' return ML1097: say 'The one remaining course you must take to graduate will' say 'not be offered during your last semester.' return ML1098: say 'The only labor worth laboring for is a labor of love.' return ML1099: say 'Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough' say 'meeting are held to discuss it.' return ML1100: say 'Anything that can be changed will be changed until' say 'there is not time left to change anything.' return ML1101: say 'When you''re not in a hurry, the traffic light will' say 'turn green as soon as your car comes to a complete stop.' return ML1102: say 'No post office ever loses your junk mail.' return ML1103: say 'There is no limit to how weird things can get.' return ML1104: say 'No matter how well you perform your job, a superior' say 'will seek to modify the results.' return ML1105: say 'Hockey is a game played by six good players and' say 'the home team.' return ML1106: say 'If something is confidential it will be left' say 'in the copier.' return ML1107: say 'No patient should attempt to leave the hospital until' say 'he is strong enough to face the cashier.' return ML1108: say 'ML1108: Missing and presumed censored.';return ML1109: say 'Tall people have higher standards.' return ML1110: say 'What can you expect of a day that beings with getting' say 'up in the morning.' return ML1111: say 'I can''t be overdrawn, I still have some checks.' return ML1112: say 'Age is a state of mind' say 'don''t ask me what state I''m in.' return ML1113: say 'I''m not deaf' say 'l'' ignoring you.' return ML1114: say ' I refuse to have a battle of wits with an' say ' unarmed person.' return ML1115: say 'Everyone is entitled to my opinion.' return ML1116: say 'Age is not important unless you''re a bottle of wine.' return ML1117: say 'Whoever says money can''t buy happiness doesn''t' say 'know where to shop.' return ML1118: say 'I''m not overweight, I''m undertall.' return ML1119: say 'Money isn''t everything but it sure keeps the' say 'kids in touch.' return ML1120: say 'Life is too short to drink cheap wine.' return ML1121: say 'Neurotics build castles in the sky' say 'psychotics live in them' say 'psychologists collect the rent.' return ML1122: say 'My tastes are simple' say ' I only like the best.' return ML1123: say 'Lindberg was the first man to fly the Atlantic alone' say 'and the last to arrive the same time as his luggage.' return ML1124: say 'Lightning is said never strikes twice in the same place' say 'unless, of course, you let your insurance lapse.' return ML1125: say 'Always remember that we pass this way but once, unless' say 'you spouse is reading the road map.' return ML1126: say 'The same work under the same conditions will be' say 'estimated differently by ten different estimators' say 'or by one estimator at ten different times.' Return ML1127: say 'The most valuable and least used word in a Project' say 'Manager''s vocabulary is "No".' return ML1128: say 'You can con a sucker into committing an unreasonable' say 'deadline, but you can''t bully him into meeting it.' return ML1129: say 'The more ridiculous the deadline, the more it costs to' say 'try to meet it.' return ML1130: say 'The more desperate the situation, the more optimistic' say ' the situatee.' return ML1131: say 'Too few people on a project can''t solve the problems' say 'too many create more problems than they solve.' return ML1132: say 'You can freeze the user''s specs but he won''t' say 'stop expecting.' return ML1133: say 'Frozen specs and the abominable snowman are alike:' say 'they are both myth and they both melt when sufficient' say 'heat is applied.' return ML1134: say 'The conditions attached to a promise are forgotten' say 'and the promise is remembered.' return ML1135: say 'A user will tell you anything you ask about-nothing more.' return ML1136: say 'Of several possible interpretations of a communication' say 'the least convenient one is the only correct one.' return ML1137: say 'What is not on paper has not been said.' return ML1138: say 'Parkinson and Murphy are alive and well-in your project.' return ML1139: say 'I lead a life of wine, women and song -' say ' it''s cheaper than gas, food and rent.' return ML1140: say 'I''m not afraid of the unknown, the stuff we already' say 'knows scares me.' return ML1141: say 'The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.' return ML1142: say 'It''s a strange world of language in which skating on' say 'thin ice can get you into hot water.' return ML1143: say 'Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee' say 'and just as hard to sleep after.' return ML1144: say 'Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.' return ML1145: say 'Those who flee temptation generally leave a' say ' forwarding address.' return ML1146: say 'When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot' say ' and hang on. And swing!' return ML1147: say 'Ignorance doesn''t kill you, but it makes you sweat a log.' return ML1148: say 'The more equipment you own, the less that will work.' return ML1149: say 'If you fix one thing another thing breaks.' return ML1150: say 'If one thing breaks, another things mysteriously' say ' resumes working.' return ML1151: say 'If you want to know what the temperature is, count' say 'cricket chirps for 14 seconds, then add 40. That''s' say 'the temperature at the crickets'' location.' return ML1152: say 'RMDS is a four letter word.' return ML1153: say 'One thing that''s good about procrastination is that' say 'you always have something planned for tomorrow.' return ML1154: say 'Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes' say 'list of the richest people in america. If I''m not' say 'there, I go to work.' Return ML1155: say 'Why is it that you never get a flat tire on the curb side.' return ML1156: say ' people who arrive late for the theater never have' say ' aisle seats.' return ML1157: say 'I''m on a rotation diet of my own. Every time I turn' say 'around I eat!' return ML1158: say 'The nice thing about buying beer is that no one ever' say ' asks what year you want.' return ML1159: say 'He''s the kind of friend you can depend on - always' say 'around when he needs you.' return ML1160: say 'I''m exhausted. I Had to keep insisting to my kids that' say 'I was Santa Claus, and to my wife that I wasn''t.' return ML1161: say 'I don''t mind him being born again - but did he have' say 'to come back as himself.' return ML1162: say 'I eat from the three basic food' say ' groups - canned, frozen and take-out.' return ML1163: say 'Yes, the doctor has no objections to house calls.' say ' what time can you be at his house?' return ML1164: say 'Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.' return ML1165: say 'My Program - a GEM of algoristic precision, offering' say ' the most sublime balance between compact, efficient' say ' coding on the one hand, and fully commented legibility' say ' for posterity on the other.' say 'Your Program - a MAZE of non sequiturs littered with' say ' clever-clever tricks and irrelevant comments.' return ML1166: say ' "Start every day off with a smile and' say ' get it over with."' say ' ' say ' W.C. Fields' Return ML1167: say 'Osborne computer school of economics:' say 'lose money on each one and try to make it up on the volume.' return ML1168: say 'Truth emerges more readily from error then from confusion.' return ML1169: say 'The evolution of every business enterprise is away from' say 'quality. Products always get smaller, worse and' say 'more expensive.' return ML1170: say 'People will generally accept facts as truth only if' say 'the facts agree with what they already believe.' return ML1171: say 'No one wants to read a lot of good writing. There''s' say ' just so much good writing a reader can take.' Return ML1172: say 'Getting up early in the morning is a good way to gain' say ' respect without ever actually having to do anything.' Return ML1173: say 'No matter how big the umbrella you carry or how good' say ' your raincoat is, if it rains you get wet.' Return ML1174: say 'If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of' say ' owning one.' Return ML1175: say 'We''re all proud of admitting little mistakes. It gives' say ' us the feeling we don''t make any big ones.' return ML1176: say 'People who are wrong seem to talk louder than anyone else.' return ML1177: say 'There aren''t many times in your life when your body' say ' has absolutely nothing wrong with it.' return ML1178: say 'Vacations aren''t necessarily better than other times,' say ' they''re just different.' return ML1179: say 'Key ring - a device for losing all your keys at once.' return ML1180: say 'Politics is more dangerous then war, for in war you' say ' are only killed once.' return ML1181: say 'A consultant is someone who borrows your watch, then' say 'gives you the time.' return ML1182: say 'People who write subsystems usually use four letter words.' return ML1183: say 'You can''t fool all the people all the time' say 'highway - interchange signs come pretty close, however.' return ML1184: say 'Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virture.' return ML1185: say 'He who laughs last probably has a backup.' return ML1186: say 'The worst way to make an argument is by reason and' say ' good information. You must appeal to people''s' say ' emotions and to their fears of being made to' say ' look ridiculous.' Return ML1187: say 'Few things are more satisfying than seeing your' say 'children have teenagers of their own.' return ML1188: say 'The optimist is the kind of person who believes a' say 'housefly is looking for a way out.' return ML1189: say 'Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.' return ML1190: say 'It''s not easy taking my problems one at a time when' say 'they fuse to get in line.' return ML1191: say 'Be cautious. Opportunity does the knocking for' say ' temptation too.' Return ML1192: say 'The important thing about your lot in life is whether' say ' you use it for building or parking.' return ML1193: say 'I used to be indecisive, but now I''m not to sure.' return ML1194: say 'With proper sleep, diet and care, a healthy body' say ' will last a lifetime.' return ML1195: say 'While money can''t buy everything, it certainly puts' say ' you in a great bargaining position.' return ML1196: say 'If you wait for a repairman, you''ll wait all day.' say ' if you go out for five minutes, he''ll arrive and' say ' leave while you''re gone.' Return ML1197: say ' Zuccini is green tofu.' return ML1198: say 'People who have the most birthdays live the longest.' return ML1199: say 'Inside this body is a thin person screaming to get out' say ' ...I ate her' return ML1200: say 'If a severe problem manifests itself, no solution is' say ' acceptable unless it is involved, expensive and' say ' time consuming.' return ML1201: say 'Everything takes longer than it takes.' return ML1202: say 'Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn''t' say ' have to do it.' return ML1203: say 'In God we trust. All others we polygraph' return ML1204: say 'It''s the luck of the draw:' say ' sometimes you get the elevator' say ' sometimes you get the shaft.' return ML1205: say 'If you don''t find me here look there.' say 'if I''m not there then try some where else.' say 'if you still can''t find me then I don''t want to' say ' found.' return ML1206: say 'Upper management is where programmers go when' say 'they have forgotten how to program.' return ML1207: say 'Programmers are the workers.' say 'management is what is left over.' return ML1208: say 'The day your ship comes in' say 'you will probably be at the airport.' return ML1209: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML828:*/ say 'After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is' say 'said than done.' return ML1210: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML829:*/ say 'If it''s not in the computer, it doesn''t exist.' return ML1211: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML830:*/ say 'Never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirt, and the' say 'pig likes it.' return ML1212: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML831:*/ say 'Never argue with an idiot: people watching may not be' say 'able to tell the difference.' return ML1213: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML832:*/ say 'Don''t fight with a bear in his own cage.' return ML1214: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML833:*/ say 'The six steps of program management are:' say ' 1. Wild enthusiasm' say ' 2. Disenchantment' say ' 3. Total confusion' say ' 4. Search for the guilty' say ' 5. Punishment of the innocent' say ' 6. Promotion of the non-participants' return ML1215: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML834:*/ say 'He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles' say 'from the next freeway exit.' return ML1216: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML835:*/ say 'An expert doesn''t know any more than you do, he or she' say 'is merely better organized and uses slides.' return ML1217: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML836:*/ say 'Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn''t have' say 'to do it himself/herself.' return ML1218: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML837:*/ say 'You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to' say 'float on his back, you''ve really got something.' return ML1219: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML838:*/ say 'You win some, lose some, and some get rained out: but you' say 'gotta suit up for them all.' return ML1220: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML839:*/ say 'People are promoted not by what they can do, but what' say 'people think they can do.' return ML1221: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML840:*/ say 'Don''t smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be yours.' return ML1222: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML841:*/ say 'Project management is the art of creating the illusion ' say 'that an outcome is the result of a series of predetermined' say 'deliberate acts, when in fact, it was dumb luck.' return ML1223: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML842:*/ say 'A MVS/XA system produced by expanding virtual storage of a' say 'MVS/SP system, does not behave nor should be maintained ' say 'like the MVS/SP system.' return ML1224: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML843:*/ say 'Barth''s Distinction: There are two types of people: Those' say 'who divide people into two types, and those who don''t.' return ML1225: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML844:*/ say 'Boren''s First Law: When in doubt mumble.' return ML1226: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML845:*/ say 'Contingency Principle of Management: It all depends.' return ML1227: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML846:*/ say 'Dibble''s First Law of Sociology: Some do and some don''t.' return ML1228: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML847:*/ say 'Dochter''s dictum: somewhere right now, there''s a ' say 'committee deciding your future; only you weren''t invited.' return ML1229: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML848:*/ say 'Etorre''s Observation: the other line moves faster.' return ML1230: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML849:*/ say 'First Rule of Motivation: To err is human, to forgive' say 'is not policy.' return ML1231: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML850:*/ say 'Gardner''s Philosophy: Brillant opportunities are cleverly' say 'disguised as insolvable problems.' return ML1232: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML851:*/ say 'Gordon''s First Law: If a research project is worth doing,' say 'then it is not worth doing well.' return ML1233: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML852:*/ say 'Hoar''s Law of Problems: Inside very large problems is a ' say 'small problem struggling to get out.' return ML1234: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML853:*/ say 'Howe''s Law: Every person has a scheme that won''t work.' return ML1235: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML854:*/ say 'Jenning''s Corollary: The chance of bread falling with the' say 'jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of' say 'carpet.' return ML1236: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML855:*/ say 'Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative' say 'results; positive expectations also yield negative results.' return ML1237: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML856:*/ say 'Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not' say 'be evenly distributed.' return ML1238: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML857:*/ say 'Law of Right Thinking: If you think you can or if you ' say 'think you can''t, you''re absolutley right.' return ML1239: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML858:*/ say 'Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do' say 'the most damage.' return ML1240: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML859:*/ say 'Law of Verbal Burble: When all is said and done, more is' say 'said than done.' return ML1241: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML860:*/ say 'Longdon''t Law: The more relevant a piece of information,' say 'the more difficult it is to measure.' return ML1242: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML861:*/ say 'Maier''s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory,' say 'they must be modified.' return ML1243: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML862:*/ say 'Murphy''s Law: ' say '1. Nothing is as easy as it looks. ' say '2. Everything takes longer than you think.' say '3. If anything can go wrong, it will.' return ML1244: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML863:*/ say 'O''Toole''s Commentary on Murphy: Murphy was an Optimist.' return ML1245: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML864:*/ say 'Parkinson''s Law: Work expands so as to fill the time' say 'available for its completion.' return ML1246: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML865:*/ say 'Pubber''s Observation: Anything that begins well, ends' say 'badly.' return ML1247: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML866:*/ say 'Rule of projects: The first 90% of any project takes 90%' say 'of the time, and the last 10% takes another 90%.' return ML1248: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML867:*/ say 'Saint Benedict''s Dictum: It is easier to beg forgiveness' say 'than to seek permission.' return ML1249: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML868:*/ say 'Scheuber''s Hypothesis: "Don''t try to fix nothing that' say 'ain''t broke." ' return ML1250: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML869:*/ say 'Schultz''s Speculation: If you can''t be right, be wrong' say 'at the top of your voice.' return ML1251: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML870:*/ say 'Skinner''s Constant: Quantity which, when multiplied' say 'by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you' say 'get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.' return ML1252: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML871:*/ say 'The unspeakable law: As soon as you mention something, if' say 'it''s good, it goes away; if it''s bad, it happens.' return ML1253: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML872:*/ say 'Murphy''s Law of Programming: The sooner you start coding' say ' your program, the longer it is going to take.' return ML1254: /* Jim Marshall CBT 300 -- ML873:*/ say 'James Joyce''s Law of Decompiling: What''s source for the' say ' goose is object for the gander.' /********** end of Jim Marshall's additions ************/ return ML1255: say 'The only thing we learn from history is that we learn' say ' nothing from history.' return ML1256: say 'Humpty Dumpty was pushed.' return ML1257: say 'Forgetfulness is a sign of genius,' say ' but I forgot who said it.' return ML1258: say 'The Great Debugger is..........' say ' methodical, persistent "detective" searching out' say ' the guilty perpetrators of programming crimes.' return ML1259: say 'The Great Debugger is..........' say ' looking for the proverbial needle-in-the-haystack;' say ' a bug is only a few bits out of 100 million zeroes' say ' and ones.' return ML1260: say 'The Great Debugger is..........' say ' must use many different tools, never relying on just one.' return /* Added by David McRitchie ......................................*/ /**Wiegers' Laws of Computing */ /* by Karl Wiegers -- Enterprise Systems Journal (ESJ), Apr. 1991*/ /*More from ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ ML1261: say 'A half-truth is generally less than that.' Return ML1262: say 'A penny saved doesn''t earn much. What with some' say 'banks paying only one percent.' Return ML1263: say 'A penny saved is a penny earned.' say ' -- Benjamin Franklin' Return ML1264: say 'All programs are metastable.' Return ML1265: say 'Almost nothing you can do with a computer is difficult.' Return ML1266: say 'An undocumented feature is the moral equivalent of a bug.' say ' -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1267: say 'Artificial intelligence is no substitute for the real thing.' say ' -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1268: say 'Computer bugs are always discovered by the CEO of the' say 'corporation. -- Document Everything!' /* submitted to ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ ML1269: say 'Computer security manifest itself only to those who have set it' say 'up for the system. Just when users become familiar and' say 'comfortable with the system, the IS department will upgrade.' say ' -- Document Everything!' /* submitted to ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ Return ML1270: say 'Data entry errors will only be detected after the checks have' say 'been mailed. -- Document Everything!' Return ML1271: say 'Errors will be discovered in the most important file' say 'only after the backup tape has inadvertently been erased' say ' -- Document Everything!' /* submitted to ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ Return ML1272: say 'Hanging is a suspended sentence.' Return ML1273: say 'Hard work is never easy -- Dennis Devlin' Return ML1274: say 'Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,' say 'Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.' say 'All the king''s horses and all the king''s men' say 'Searched in vain for documentation' say 'To put him together again.' say ' -- Document Everything!' /* Enterprise Systems Journal -- humor Jan 1993 page 96 */ /* Enterprise Systems Journal -- humor Jan 1993 page 96 */ Return ML1275: say 'If it is not in my computer and running, it does not exist.' Return ML1276: say 'If one piece of valuable information is available' say 'from a computer, it will be found in a 500-page printout.' say ' -- Document Everything!' /* submitted to ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ Return ML1277: say 'If packaged properly, nearly any bug can be sold as a feature' say ' -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1278: say 'If you are one week ahead of the other guy you are a wizard.' Return ML1279: say 'If you can''t cut the mustard, you have to ketchup' say ' -- as Pat Testa''s grandpappy used to say' Return ML1280: say 'Loop: See Loop.' say ' -- definition by John Kador, Geneva, IL in ESJ Feb ''93' Return ML1281: say 'Never test for a bug you don''t know how to fix.' say 'There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way' say 'works. Debug is human; de-fix divine. A feature is a bug with' say 'seniority -- John Cochrane' Return ML1282: say 'Nothing defeats prejudice better than excellence' say ' -- Oprah Winfrey' /* Oprah Winfrey quoted Larry Thall in PHOTO E.I., Nov92*/ ML1283: say 'Once you have trapped all conceivable errors, the users become' say 'more creative. -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1284: say 'The additional benefits provided by a new software release in no' say 'way compensates for the pain of installing it.' say ' -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1285: say 'The current backup copy of any file is always one generation too' say 'old. -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1286: say 'The error number you see when a program crashes is the one that' say 'is not described in the manual. -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1287: say 'The fixing of one bug generates at least two new latent bugs.' say ' -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1288: say 'The larger the printout, the more important the bottom line.' say ' -- Document Everything!' /* submitted to ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ Return ML1289: say 'The number of "upwardly compatible" software packages in the' say 'world equals the number of unicorns. -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1290: say 'The number of directors, managers plus operators' say 'is always greater than the number of employees the computer was' say 'bought to replace.' Return ML1291: say 'The objective of all dedicated company employees should be to' say 'thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior' say 'to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move' say 'swiftly to solve these problems when called upon;' say ' HOWEVER,' say 'When you are up to ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind' say 'yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.' say '' say '(We don''t drain swamps anymore, but the rest holds true).' Return ML1292: say 'The only time a computer will be down is the time of most' say 'critical need to the greatest amount of users.' say ' -- Document Everything!' /* submitted to ESJ by James E. Wilson, Westlake, OH, about Feb 93 */ Return ML1293: say 'The trouble with the RAT RACE is, even if you win,' say 'you''re still a rat. -- Lily Thomlin' Return ML1294: say 'To Err is Human' say ' -- Benson Sloots' Return ML1295: say 'Tom, Tom, the piper''s son,' say 'Copied a disk and made it run.' say 'Software Publishers caught up with him,' say 'And now his future''s fairly grim.' say ' -- Believe it!' /* Enterprise Systems Journal -- humor Jan 1993 page 96 */ Return ML1296: say 'User manuals are consulted only after all possible keystroke' say 'combinations have failed. -- Karl E. Wiegers --' Return ML1297: say 'When a hammer is your only tool, everything else looks like a nail' Return ML1298: say 'When a pessimist has the choice of two evils, he chooses both.' say ' -- Oscar Wilde I' Return ML1299: say 'When only the bottom line is printed the greatest need will be' say 'for details. -- Document Everything!' Return ML1300: say 'You can count on your friends, but it''s better to' say 'count on your own fingers and toes' say ' -- Bazooka Joe - Bubble Gum' Return ML1301: say 'If you worry about what people think of you,', 'it means that you have more confidence', 'in their opinions than you have in your own.' /* attached to notes from Human Resources */ Return /* 1302-1308 were gathered when we were on VSPC a long time ago */ ML1302: say 'Bernetic''s Law: A doggone computer is man''s best friend.' Return ML1303: say 'A Law for the Future:' say ' If it''s not in a computer, it doesn''t exit.' Return ML1304: say 'Utvich''s Observation:' say ' One accurate measurement is worth a thousand expert opinions' Return ML1305: say 'Chicken Little only has to be right once' Return ML1306: ML1307: say 'The Law of Devine Intervention:' say ' Alle Kunst is umsunst' say ' Wenn ein Engel auf das' say ' Zundloch brunzt. (Deutsch)' say ' ' say ' All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the' say ' in the touchhole of your musket. (English translation)' Return ML1308: say 'GIGO, garbage in garbage out' say 'GIGO, garbage in Gospel out' Return